As Good As

In poly, I admit I have an inner accountant who keeps careful track of things. This is not necessarily a useful or good thing, because my inner accountant can list lots of ways in which I am continually grasping the shorter end of the poly stick. There is a serious lack of parity in our poly arrangement. I do have total freedom to pursue other relationships, and have been encouraged to do just that, not only for my own benefit and possible remembering of how wonderful poly can be, but also to balance the scales. Perhaps, not so much to balance the lover part of the scale, but to balance the experience part. Where he could see if he has poly issues that would arise (or not) if I were to be with another...so I could experience the negotiating nights out and information sharing parts. Maybe even so we could swap relationship war stories and give and get dating advice.

But geez...I have issues. I hate dating. For him dating is fun...getting to know other personalities and sharing time with someone new. For me, it's like a job interview...Can I see myself sharing popcorn and a movie with this person? Will the way this guy blows air through his nose when he laughs be endearing or get on my nerves? Wouldn't I really be having more fun at home with my cat and book, than listening to this guy dissect corporate lunches?

I am a pain in the ass when it comes to dating. I get all weirded out, and then I start to withdraw emotionally. And the other person doesn't understand why I am suddenly being different. Maybe I don't want to inflict my particular brand of dating fussiness on innocent people. Maybe I have too many intimacy issues to be that close to many people. I don't know.

I am certainly more prone towards being an introvert though, and I often wonder if poly is more of an extrovert sport. Extroverts get a charge out of social gatherings...introverts tend to be drained after them, and we need some sort of healthy alone time to people time ratio to remain sane.

So anyhow...since I don't very often cash in on my poly freedom...my inner accountant has another way of balancing experiences. It is more okay if I have something that I can do that is as good as him being out with a lover. Sometimes, I really really just need a night home alone, so while he is out, I get that. Sometimes, I just need a solid night's sleep alone in my own bed. But sometimes...I need something more. Tonight was one of those nights.

Our friend Beth is in town visiting. While at one time the three of us were definitely lovers, the sexual energy has shifted to the two of them. I am not sure exactly why or how this came to be. It could well be that she does have an interest, but I have been hurt by her and them in the past...and I think I just don't want to be that emotionally vulnerable to her...or them again. I am not invested and do not want to be part of this sexual threesome.

Maybe my feelings will change this week maybe not. It's been a precarious balance the past few times when we have been together, unless she has put up a boundary that she doesn't want to be sexual either. Then he is disappointed, but we all are on the same page. But things seems to have kindled between the two of them since they spend a week together at a festival last summer. So the expectation of the two of them being sexual is there.

Anyhow, Beth came into town on Monday. And he and she got together for lunch. She had a hotel tonight, and I suggested that he should go there and be with her, and I would be fine with that. Really, that was fine. But then dinner first with me was put on the table by her/them. I told him no...it would be easier to just have him go, and I would catch up with them Wednesday. Somehow, the three of us having dinner, and then me watching the two of them go off to be together did not appeal. "She wants to see you, maybe know for sure that you are okay." he said. I said, "I am okay, but it would be easier for me not to do dinner...can't you just have dinner and go? I could use a night alone..." (Unspoken subtext..."Can't we just once do what would be easier for me?")

Naturally, we all had to have dinner together. But it was going to be all okay, because I had another event set up after dinner...one that was as good as him being with a lover (remember my bar is often low on this). I had an invitation to have an evening of drinking and talking with friends, in a hot tub. It sounded heavenly. Today was frustrating and awful on many levels...but I knew I had that hot tub trump card coming at the end of the day. No matter what...I would end the evening with good friends, chianti, and a hot tub which had a little fountain on the side...

So I went to dinner with my partner and Beth. And it was good to see her. And it was fun. I was even dealing with them discussing happy memories of a vacation they went on together. Nothing mattered. It was fine. Who cared when a hot tub was in my near future? All was well.

Until I got the text telling me the hot tub thing was off.

Now, I not only did not have something as good as...I had something "as good as" canceled. My mood seriously crashed. Now, I felt bullied into the dinner, and set up by the Universe for a fall. So, we all stood up to leave. I bid them farewell and I drove home taking a different route so I didn't have to be behind them until they turned off for the hotel.

So I am home alone tonight, sipping my bitter tea, and awash in self pity. It's not a proud moment. I am not trying to be a martyr, but this sucks. At least they are in the hotel though, and not down the hall where I would have to tip toe by their room with fingers in my ears as I made my way to the bathroom...so on that count I am ahead.