The Rest of the Story

Forgive me Blogger for it has been many weeks since my last post. I started a story, and did not finish it. So today, when I have Units 1-6 to review, a paper due in two weeks, and a case study to attack...I find it easier to plunge back into the familiar world of naval gazing and academic procrastination.

When I last left off, things were coming to a boiling point in my relationship. Actually, as I was finishing the final touches on that entry, my partner came home, and forced a much needed talk.

To review, what had been a playful interaction of ass swatting between the two of us, had become an infuriating irritation to me (the recipient). Things had gotten out of hand from my point of view, and one ill timed spank too many resulted in an overreaction on my part and hurt feelings on his. We did not address it in the moment, but it was noted by both of us that something had changed. A few more misunderstandings later, and we found ourselves staring at one another as two strangers.

I have been around this tree many times in the course of our long term relationship. Small things multiply, and big things don't get addressed. We chant the communicate, communicate, communicate mantra around here...but sometimes life interferes with the actual verb of it coming to fruit.

My personal roadblocks are...fatigue (I am too tired to take this on), fear (maybe if we talk about this small item, the unloosening will cause an avalanche I am not prepared to deal with), ignorance (something is going on, but I don't know what it is...so I will give it time and see if the issue reveals itself), weariness (I thought I had dealt with this inadequacy in my person, yet here it is again, not conquered after all), and others I can't think of at the moment. My experience, is that when you don't deal with something in front of you, that the repression tends to make the resentment or stress (or whatever) pop out in a sideways fashion. Then you and your partner(s) end up arguing about something that is not the real issue at all. I think many American couples operate this way and it is considered normal. In other words, the argument of "who squeezed the toothpaste where" is not really about toothpaste at all.

The spanking issue between us...was not really about spanking then. There were a few things going on. When the spanking increased, our sex life had decreased. It's awfully easy for me to get exhausted by my own life...school, work, rehearsals, stress all wear me down. Add in his busy schedule and sex had been pushed down the list. Really, sex had been pushed off the list altogether. My partner was like a plant who was not getting enough water.

I think his frenetic spanking was meeting a need for erotic contact. We hug and cuddle even during busy times, but that meets an intimacy need, not an Eros need.

On my end, I was very stressed. I hadn't had alone time in a long time and my batteries had simply run low. I had no erotic playfulness left in me and it felt like he was invading my territory.

The talk let us put everything on the table. I believe there were other issues that were aired out as well, but I can't remember now what all that might have been. In the give and take things were examined, commented upon and fixed.

Except that they weren't.

I had been quite clear on the "you are spanking too much and too hard" issue. He said, "I don't want to spank you if you don't think it's fun". Since the spanking argument wasn't really about spanking, I was ready for that playfulness to go back to being what it was. But now, he was under the impression that spanking irritated me and that it might be that way forever. So suddenly, his natural inclination to spank me resulted in the natural spank...followed by a quick unnatural..."Oh, I'm so sorry!". Or he would bite me lightly during sex, but suddenly feel like he had violated me.

Things were messed up, and what was playful between us was no longer there. Something that was fun was twisted into something unrecognizable.

This weirdness lasted a couple of weeks. But I think he finally understood that we once we had resolved the issues that were triggered by spanking, that we didn't need to modify behavior in that department. I had settled down too, so I didn't perceive that he was being obnoxious or overzealous in anymore...

At some point after the talk, business called him away for several days. I was able to sink into some alone time, and that did heal a lot of what was wrong with me. I wasn't as touchy and volatile as I had been. And although we still have difficulty fitting sex into our schedule, we both are aware that we need to find time to connect in that way.

These relationship things can be tricky, confusing, and hard to explain. I have found it difficult to actually sit down and type it all out. I feel like I have knotted words, and what people will see is a confusing mess, rather than clarity on what happened.

I guess the important thing is that he and I seem to be back on track. We are not confused about things at the moment. And the spanking thing seems to be back to normal.