Poly Weirdness

Nothing about last night went as planned. The previous week had been emotionally draining and exhausting due to things in my work and school life. I needed the night to chill out and I had planned to stay home and work on a paper I have due next week.

But as Saturday evening approached, it was clear, my paper was not going to get written. I was tired and depressed, and I couldn't make myself get into the zone for school. By evening, I had fallen into severe introvert mode, and though I wasn't going to be paper writing maybe some alone time would be good. My partner wanted to go to a bonfire party, and he felt it would be healthier for me to go as well, rather than to sit home and stew.

We often have this push pull between us. He wants to go out. I want to stay home. Sometimes, it is good for an introvert to be pushed into being social, sometimes the party animal needs to stay home and recharge. Sometimes we both win, he goes and I stay. The tables were turning between these two options. He would go either way, but the question was what I would do.

I couldn't imagine having anything to say to anyone. I saw myself sitting alone staring into the fire while he played music and flitted around, ever the social butterfly. People would wonder why someone as outgoing as he would be stuck with one so dull as I.

We compromised that we would take separate cars, and so I would go...but could leave when I got tired or bored. So we set out for the bonfire party.

The party was held on top of a hill at a friend's house. There are many parties that happen on that land. The people who live there are arty musician types. They are a poly family, a woman with two males (who are not intimate with one another) and the two teenagers who are the children of the married couple. Both of the guys are in my partner's band. While most of the parties on that space are music oriented with dancing around the fire or perhaps fire spinning, there are also parties of another type. The the larger social group of friends are an alternative crowd. Many are in open relationships, and several of the group are into some form of BDSM. So some of the parties are settings where deeper physical intimacy or perhaps some sort of scene might take place.

I have opted (so far) not to go to these parties. Although I have my freedom, there is something about going to a poly "play" party that freaks me out. I sometimes am not good at setting boundaries. I have felt stuck in situations where I became uncomfortable and had a hard time finding my voice.

But a couple of months ago, we received an invitation to one of the play parties. I had a woman's night scheduled on that night. Three of the women from my troupe had planned to hang out with wine and cheese, and a night of talking in the hot tub. But my partner wanted to go to the special party. We talked about it, and I said I was okay with it. I sent him off with a weak, "don't do anything I wouldn't do"...

I had a lovely non-sexual evening with my pals. We joked about the irritating things about being in relationships with men. We talked about our favorite topic of dance, and made plans for future gigs. I tried to keep my mind on the present, and not think about the party taking place a few miles away on top of that hill.

When I heard about my partner's evening, I was relieved to hear that it was more tame than my wildest fears. The party actually sounded quite nice, and something that I might even enjoy. There were a few mild scenes and lots of puppy piles with caressing hands...but if anything hard core or deeply sexual was happening...it was behind closed doors somewhere else.

My partner did have an interaction with a couple that we knew. We had hung out with them at festivals, and in the late of the night had been in some cozy situations. There has been an undercurrent of attraction amongst the four of us at various times, but I think of the group...I am the least interested in exploring it. I am not so drawn sexually to her because I don't know her well enough...but I do like him. However, I don't want to be sexual with him beyond touching...for a variety of reasons. She has been attracted to my partner (and others), and this is something both my partner and I have known.

So anyhow, that night, the three of them wound up together and had a nice but mild interaction that did not go beyond touching. I think she lost her top at some point...but there was no going to another room and having a threesome or anything.

So that is some history...fast forward to last night. I was feeling vulnerable after the heavy pressure cooker of a week I survived. And I had shared the details of it on another blog site on which the guy and I are "friends". He knew where I was emotionally, and really, he was so supportive and sweet to me. He empathized and made me laugh, and I felt safe with him.

At some point, my partner and his partner were both playing music (with others) in front of the fire. And he was sitting alone. I was feeling kind of lonely, and I went to sit next to him. He put his arms around me, and pulled me into him in to watch the fire. I let myself feel taken care of. There was a live gypsy band of friends playing music behind us. And soon, a young lesbian woman came to our pile and settled into my arms, and the three of us made a tight knit ball.

I was tense, they both knew it. He knew it was the week I had. She didn't care the cause. They coaxed me to relax, and soon I was drifting off into a sea of music, firelight, and the sense of being supported by others...

It was lovely. It was cozy...and I wish things had stayed just that way. But these two are used to cuddling easing into more sexual waters. Suddenly I felt hands wander under my shirt from above and below. It felt good, but it wasn't really where I wanted to go. At first I let it go on, but then hands became more insistent and more daring.

I did not want to become a spectacle in front of the fire and I didn't want to be sexual. Call me a stick in the mud. I was into the contact and gentle touch, but that was enough. It became more not okay for me. And the pressure I was exerting to resist or stop was being ignored. So I told them I was getting tense again. He whispered that both our loves were behind us, knew what was going on and were okay with it. I told him that wasn't it, I just didn't want to go further. He respected that and stopped. That little minx of a lesbian was harder to control, but she slowed down a bit as well. There was detente for awhile...

Then suddenly his girlfriend leaned into our group, and whispered something to him like..."You and I need to talk at the car now." Uh oh. She was not happy. He left to comfort her. I stayed a bit with the minx, but I managed to get my partner's eye, and mouthed HEEEELLLP! to him, and he manufactured an excuse to get me on my feet.

After that, for me, the night just got more uncomfortable. I bumped into the guy alone, and asked him if things were okay...and he said yes and no. She was upset, but also had hormone issues that night that may have made things worse. I saw them together hugging, and talking, but I kept my distance. She and I did not speak, and eventually I slipped off home. I got home at 3:30 am (time change) but it was still a late night for me.

I had all sorts of feelings about it. In the past, she seems to have had no second thoughts about going towards my partner, even in front of me. Yet she was clearly upset at her partner and I together. Besides, the sexual component was something I was not even interested in (though she had no way of knowing that).

I tried to cut her slack. These poly waters are hard. I even admired her for making her partner aware that she was upset. If the situation would have been reversed I probably would have sulked off on my own. It was healthier to let him know she was upset. And I think there was a situational jealousy aspect. They are a long distance couple, and she had traveled nearly two hours to come to this party and see him...It probably felt like he was ignoring her and giving affection to another.

I get it. I often have those feelings...what bothered me was the apparent unfairness of how she acted with my partner, but not okay with her partner and me.

So anyhow. It's the next day. Probably the whole thing will get settled and be okay. I sent him this note....

Hey there.

Just checking in to see if everything is okay. I felt really awkward, and I didn't know how to act around [her] after the upsetness. I tried to keep distance, and eventually I just slipped away.

It sounded like your night ended differently than you hoped.

After the week I had, it felt really good to lean into your arms. I knew you understood where I was after the court thing, and well...it was just nice.

So...I hope everything is okay. Based on history between you, [her, and my partner]...I had no reason to think that us cuddling by the fire would cause any sort of issue...but I am really sorry if it did.

Tangerine

So...it just goes to show the situations that poly folks can wind up in that mono couples do not have to deal with. All in all, it was a nice night, and it was good to connect more deeply with people than I normally do. We will just have to see what fallout (if any) there is from this...