Where have been, and what you seen?

And the months pass. I have thought about throwing updates here, but what I have to say is depressing, at least to me, and I haven't had the energy to rehash it all. I still don't feel like doing it, but I am compelled to write...something.

The events with Heathcliff have boiled down to...if you could have one sweet moment in time with a person...one perfect, wonderful moment...but that was all it would ever be...would it be worth it?

I am still trying to decide.

In that moment, I remember thinking, "Oh God. Yes! YES! If this is all it ever is, it is SO worth it!"

But that was all it was...followed a month of 'what's going on?' And then months more of heartache. Now, really...I am not so sure it was worth it.

On good days, I still lean towards 'yes'. And days like today, well...

We are here on Earth school to live, love, and learn. So, in grabbing for the brass ring with Heathcliff, I did all three. The draw was so strong for both of us, that I think it was meant to be, that moment. But, life also gives us choices. It was too complicated and weird for him. Or it was a mistake for him. Or he wanted more with me, but when he had it...he wanted less.

The saddest thing for me, is that I have probably lost it all with him. Now, really we are barely friends. I "see" him online sometimes. He posts on facebook. Sometimes he will comment on my posts...but our "relationship" is a shadow of a sliver of what it once was.

So, I take solace in that there is perhaps more room in a broken heart. And there are some days now, that I can make it without thinking of him at all. And then there are times like today, when I have tears in my eyes and a secret sadness that no one feels the depth of or understands.

Was is worth it?

You tell me.