Ah yes, this blog...what to do, what to do...I have thought about deleting it, because I so rarely post. But then, I sometimes find a voice here that doesn't get much airtime anywhere else, so I think then that I should leave it up. And sometimes I am able to write here when I am blocked mentally or emotionally in other places. So....
To take stock of things: I am still not a Dr. This dissertation has me foiled and I am so stuck I can barely think about it. And the pressure grows. Another letter from the university telling me that I missed being able to graduate. If I want to try for Dec, I need to reapply. I am afraid to contact my adviser, yet asking for help is exactly what I should do. I have many many pages written. They are not my best writing, but I am well on my way. At work, they are holding off on business cards because they want to put the new letters after my name. My friends have learned not to ask. I have a friend about to give birth, yet I have not written another word on my paper in the nearly 9 months that have passed.
I went off to a woman's retreat in early August. I wanted to get away from my head. And although the retreat was an estrogen overload, I did have some insight about things. I thought about relationships in my life and how they were working or not working. I pictured my paper as a person and tried to dialogue with it. I treat this paper poorly. I don't give the relationship time or attention. I resent the relationship. I think bad thoughts about it. I neglect it. So, is it any wonder why I can not move forward? So I am trying to rework how I think about it. I am trying to get re-inspired. I am trying to be a better partner with the paper. It's still a slow slow process.
Over the weekend I have worked on my spaces. I worked on my bedroom and desk area. I have restored order there. There is space to work on my desk. Today, my goal is lowly. I just want to read what I have written, and work out only what the next step might be. I hope that by pulling one foot out of the mud that I can start to move again.
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I am a forty something female who needs to lose some weight, to organize some space, and to write without feeling censored. I live with a fifty something guy and various non allergenic creatures until I can get another cat. We have a poly agreement, and I tend to write about poly issues when I do get around to writing but don't hold me to that. This is an oft neglected space and probably of not much interest to you.
1 comment:
I feel so "not-up-to" the business of helping you sort out your business... I seem to fall back on the keep plodding until something happens formula, and that really might not be the solution to the kind of "stuck" place that you are experiencing. You may be right -- if treating the dissertation like an adversary hasn't worked, then maybe making friends with the enemy will change the game.
I do hope so.
Mostly, I just miss you. I am a terrible friend...
hugs, sue
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