Poly Update

It's been awhile since I have written anything about poly. There have been a few rumbles of activity since last summer, but I didn't want to write about it. Partly because the class I was in was so much more work than I ever expected. School effectively removed me from much of my life (once again), and with doing so much left-brained academic writing, I had little left over to give to my blogs. Partly, I found myself on the sidelines with my popcorn just waiting to see what would happen. It was hard to write about, because it seemed that things were fragile, and somehow writing might tip the balance. I just tried to stay out of the way.

The most interesting drama occurred with my partner's four (or is it five?) year long term secondary relationship.

I know some people eschew using the hierarchical vocabulary, but in our current poly dynamic...these are the most accurate terms. He and I have a long term primary relationship. We live together. We pay bills together. We talk everyday. We make life decisions together. He sees his secondary anywhere from a couple times a month to maybe once every couple of months. This isn't his wish, it's just the way life has worked out, and as such, they do not really share much of the mundane things that typical dating partners deal with.

His secondary is married to an actively poly guy, and they have a young child. There are some issues in their marriage which seem grossly unbalanced to me. That is, that the husband (who seems to have anywhere from 1-3 other relationships going at any moment) is free to see his paramours at any given time. But his wife (my partner's secondary) must juggle her schedule around seeing my partner only when her husband says he is going out, and then after their little one is long in bed.

The fact that the secondary has such a restricted schedule has really put pressure on her relationship with my partner, at least on his side. He has to travel to see her (about a 40 minute drive) and then be on his way by 3 or 4 in the morning before the husband gets home. They don't get to go to dinner. They don't see movies. They rarely see each other in daylight. In fact they only see each other when they are most tired, and usually after a long week.

It is very hard for us (my partner and I) to understand...why it is that the entire secondary relationship revolves around the other guy's schedule. Why can't he ever watch his son? He just won't. Why can't she ever say "Hey, I would like to hang out with M this Friday, how about you stay home for a change?" She doesn't.

There are a couple of possible explanations for this weird dynamic. One would be if the husband was an alcoholic, or otherwise unfit to be trusted alone with his son. This is not the case. It might also make sense if this couple had a power exchange where HE had all the power, and she was only permitted to see my partner at her husband's behest. They are not in such a relationship....

But, HE is of descent from a very patriarchal ethnic group. I think it is simply expected that the woman be responsible for child care...and the thought that HE might give up a night from one his outside sexual relationships...or his night out with the boys is just simply not on the table.

What has happened, over the years, is that the window for my partner and his secondary to see each other has grown very narrow. When the little one went down before 8pm, my partner would go up to see her around 8:30 or 9pm. The last date they had (Friday night) the original time for him to show up was 11:30 pm. And he was to be out by 3am. She called to say, that he could come at 11 that particular night...but sheesh--what kind of a date is that? He is not looking for a booty call, he actually wants to have a relationship with this person!

Her life is also complicated by relatives visiting, or being exhausted from a very demanding job, or whatever....there have been some times when the spaces between my partner getting together with her have stretched to over two months. My partner has found it difficult to maintain the relationship with so little contact. And that means, when they do see each other...that it often takes them quite awhile to re-establish the ties to one another. It's almost like seeing a stranger at first, he has said.

Things came to somewhat of a boiling point for my partner last Fall. The imbalance means that my partner ALWAYS does all the driving late at night back and forth to see her. He tries to stay in touch and would like daily email contact (or at least a few times a week email). He would like phone calls. He would like some of the things that nurture and feed a relationship...It feels to him (and to me) that HE is doing ALL the work, and getting very little compromise or effort on her part to even meet him part way. If they were to go to a movie, she would have to pay a babysitter because hubby would refuse to inconvenience himself to spend a night home with his son. (I am not even getting into how tragically sad this is for the boy...)

So my partner finally had the TALK with her where he spelled out some of his issues, and expressed his desire to see her more, or at least have more contact...And although she said she understood, she didn't see how things could change. She is unable to do anything about "circumstances". She does not see the imbalance in her relationship...she does not see it unfair that she does all the babysitting and child care...

My partner does not want to end the relationship. He cares about this person. He wonders if maybe she doesn't care as much, because she is unable or unwilling to even make an effort to make things better. After they had the talk, she threw him a few bones by writing him a bit more...I am not sure that has kept up.

So...how does all this affect me? (Ah--the point of this whole post!)

I am not by nature a compersive person in these poly matters. That is, I don't really take "joy" in my partner's relationships with others. I have felt happiness once in awhile, but on the rare side. However, I did get something valuable at one time from my partner's involvement with another--ALONE TIME.

I tend towards introversion. I love being home, and I actually need some time alone in my environment to recharge my batteries. My partner thrives on activity and going out. So when he has no date on a Friday or Saturday...he wants to go OUT, and he wants me to go too. Usually, I have spent the week working full time, and doing school work...I just want a night to do nothing and revel in some quality alone time. One of the huge benefits of poly used to be that I would have a whole evening to myself...something that just rarely happens unless he has something going on.

I realized, that with my partner not leaving the house until 11 on a Friday or Saturday...(which is near my bedtime anyhow) that I am losing the one thing I really liked about this poly experience. Sometimes we have a nice short evening together before he goes...but even if we have a mini date...go to dinner or/and a movie...I will have the experience of being close to him, only to have that disappear as he leaves to drive north to have the rest of the evening with her.

He seems to have calmed down for now, and accepted the situation. I find myself getting more and more frustrated. The unfairness of the whole thing really irritates me. It is unfair that she is expected to provide all the childcare. It is unfair that hubby can go out on a whim, but she can not negotiate for a night out.

So I deal with an unhappy poly camper, and get cheated out of my alone time. My partner has his poly relationship, such as it is. His secondary doesn't have to make compromises or bring up this touchy issue with her husband...

And the cheese stands alone.

NOTE: I will remind you this is a blog from my perspective. I know very little of what is actually happening in the secondary's marriage nor the relationship between father and son. I have likely filled in blanks where I do not understand. The secondary seems happy in her marriage and with her family, and is apparently not bothered by the imbalance my partner and I perceive.