Sorting it Out

U and me tomorrow night. This message came as a text on my phone an hour ago. I haven't answered it. For the moment, I am pretending I haven't even seen it.

Let's back up a moment. I am one day out of taking a final exam. The last three months of my life have been consumed by nasty little things called PBLs. This was my professor's charming way of describing his homework assignments. PBL stands for "problem based learning". PBLs were supposed to be practical busy work rather than run of the mill busy work that you were expected to do to prove you actually read the assignments and gleaned knowledge, thus making your tuition a worthwhile investment.

Regardless, even the minor PBLs took hours and hours, and I have spent every last weekend since early March at the computer completing research and formulating answers. Whatever, in my poly life...the sad fact is that my secondary is school. It is all consuming and I have come to accept that I am trading three years of social life for a doctorate. And I am okay with that...most of the time.

My partner is the one who is more drawn to poly and he prefers his secondaries to be human and female. Go figure.

He is not wildly poly, at least activity wise. In the last five years, he has dated a woman who lives in a suburb just north of here, and has also occasionally seen a mutual friend of ours who lives in DC. There was a time the three of us were involved, but truthfully, I am fuzzy on where the three of us stand, and I tend to view that relationship as the two of them. He has also gone on a few dates with others, which didn't go anywhere beyond dinner and mild friendship.

Since last I wrote, he has ended his longterm relationship with the woman up north. Over the years, the time frame that they could see each other had narrowed to a couple of hours between midnight and 3am once every other month. The woman's husband has two other local relationships, plus goes out with the guys, and won't stay home with their child so she can get together with her secondary (my partner). It was really ridiculous. My partner pointed out how this situation is no longer working, and he asked that they return to poly priciples, and that the four of us get together to brainstorm how he and she could have a more normal relationship. She refused. He offered other options, only to have her close the door on each one, and state that "this is all she can do". The relationship was getting very unhealthy, and he decided to end it, so his heart wouldn't get so battered. He is still hurting and he's not yet over it, but I think he is starting to heal.

In the meantime, the universe has set up some other options. One is the return of PP. PP was the potential paramour who was around a year ago, and whom I was not all that happy about. They had several dinners, then she dropped him because she was going to be monogamous with a good catholic boy or something. Why didn't I like her? I perceived her to be flaky, flighty and really...just plain irritating. But I digress. PP and the catholic boy lasted less than two months. Now she is back in a new relationship with someone who is poly. And he gets turned on by the thought of her with someone else, so she has initiated conversation with my partner about the two of them getting back together.

So last night, while I was taking my final exam online...he was on a date with her. They had dinner. They went for a walk in the park. And they went back to her place and played around a little and had heavy discussions about getting back together and how that would work.

I must say, I was caught off guard by this turn of events. I didn't realize the train was going to depart so quickly. So PP is back. And he has forgiven her her past transgressions, and I suppose that they will soon be reinvolved.

I don't know how I feel about it. I have requested he not bring her here. I am uncomfortable with her in our space, and I don't think I should have to "get lost" while they be poly together. If I liked her better, I might feel differently. I was open to leaving for him and his other girlfriend to help their situation. I even stayed in a hotel one night so they could be here!

Meanwhile, over in another corner...one of my dear friends who is lonely lonely lonely in her relationship with her husband has now decided that my partner and I might be the solution to her near sexless marriage. She started flirting with me, and that was fun, but I suspect she is really more into my partner...and I feel sort of like the stepping stone to get to him. (This could be my tendency to shy away from outside relationships, or it could be true.)

I have several issues with this scenario. For one, she is not in a poly relationship, and her husband could not know about it. This is most likely a deal breaker for me...but then again...she really loves her husband and nearly everything else in her relationship with him works. I have spent nights were her crying and asking is she supposed to go the rest of her life with out sex? That doesn't seem fair.

But this isn't the type of thing I am looking for. I am not going to judge her for her choices, but I don't want to be a part it. Fine. Except Boyfriend, in an attempt to shove me into some poly situation (for my own good? for parity? for whatever reason) has encouraged her to make plans with me Saturday evening. So I have been getting suggestive texts for the last couple of hours. I found out he was the root of it in a phone call.

It just isn't up to him to make these kinds of decisions for me. I have a free weekend, and I want it to be just that. Free. Free of poly complications. Free of drama. Free of obligations. Free of entanglements. Free.

And it still can be. I just texted back that I was thinking about going to a local historical site, where the summer solstice sunset aligns in a particular way along an earth mound that native people created long ago. Or maybe I will have a drink with her. Or maybe I will stay home like a recluse.

Update: I did meet her for dinner and a drink. Just like we always do...and it was fine, normal. We drank, talked, and commiserated...just like good friends...and I felt better. Nothing weird or uncomfortable happened...