Poly, Intimacy, and Serious Naval Gazing

Today is one of those days where I just want to write, because I am not really sure what all is in my head. Write and see what happens.

The hardest thing about July was not being able to go to Starwood. I had to go to Wisconsin instead to be the dutiful daughter and attend my mother while she came back to her house post knee replacement surgery. She needed me the exact week I had off for Starwood. I still don't understand the timing of all this...but Starwood for me was not meant to be. Now it is all past, and I am still trying to deal with not being able to go.

My partner still went on "our" vacation...and his lover from DC was there. So they camped together...in our tent. I am mostly ok with everything. It's been hard to sort out if my major unhappiness was jealousy over them being together...and the amount of sex they had compared to what we would have had...or if I am most miserable about missing the event all together.

My mind keeps hammering the details that should really upset me. They were in "our" space. They went on "our" vacation. They were on "my" air mattress...but none of this is really bothering me...even though a petty part of myself wants it to. It wants me to hold onto these things that normally would really trigger me. But if I am to be honest with myself...I have to see that I am okay with what happened.

I like the woman he was with. She was my friend first. She wasn't my first girl crush, but she was my first sexual experience with another woman. And when the three of us got together (my partner, her and me) it truly felt magical. I saw her and my partner having sex, with me alongside...and it was okay. I never thought I could handle being present for that and survive emotionally, but with her...it was okay.

Over the years things have changed. And it's probably been my own intimacy neuroses that have played into the outcome more than anything else. I am certainly a cat like person...I bond with one person, and for the most part I can be pretty happy and fulfilled with that one person. I like the romantic vision of "we love each other so much that we don't need other intimate relationships". I am well suited to monogamy. But my "one" person is a poly person...one who believes that relationships enrich our lives and deeper sexual relationships fill our souls and pull parts of us out that may be suppressed or unexpressed. Intellectually, I agree with him. And I have had sexual experiences with others that have been fulfilling or brought me something unique and beautiful...some of them from when I was single, and some with the consent and encouragement from my current partner. ah... I get it...

So...I find myself okay with what happened...but I also feel myself wanting to shut down towards the woman my partner was with. Though she was once my close friend...I feel vulnerable around her, and I want to build a wall so I won't be hurt. So I can be okay if she comes to visit, and they go off to his room to be together...whether I sent them because I didn't want to join...or they went on their own.

I see how the whole thing of my partner being with someone else is easier if it's with someone I accept, understand, or have already bonded with in some way...yet, I still find myself shutting down towards them. I don't want to be friends and hang out. My partner thinks this shutting down merely because someone has been intimate with him is crazy. I know most Pollyanna polys would agree. It's something we think I should work on...but oh, I don't know...it's easier this way on some level.

I know that I also tend to shut off towards others when they are interested in me as well. I am as bad as Seinfeld's Elaine in finding reasons to dismiss someone as a candidate for my intimate life. There are few people I am drawn to sexually anyhow. But of those with whom there has been mutual chemistry, I tend to shut down on them as well. I find a reason not to let things get physical...I get concerned with what others will think. I worry about sexually transmitted diseases. I worry about getting hurt. I worry about being more "out" as poly in my community of more conservative friends. I am afraid of intimacy.

I am thinking more about these things because in the flotsam and jetsam last week, the Universe has reconnected me with some men from my past with whom I have felt that mutual chemistry. One is a guy I felt an attraction to as a friend, but not sexually. I held off being sexual until he told me he was moving to DC. The fact that he was going far away...made it easier to be intimate. My partner pushed me hard to explore this relationship, so I reluctantly met the guy at a Bed and Breakfast to spend the weekend with him.

It didn't work. I learned that although I can go through the physical motions of being sexual with a friend whom I love on some level, it wasn't very fun without sexual attraction. We now see each other infrequently...and no one mentions our weekend. But now...I think my feelings curiously might be changing a bit...like maybe I am more attracted to him now. I have felt a bit freaked by some life events at work, and I picture myself being cuddled and soothed in his arms. He is in a poly relationship, and both our partners would be okay with us getting together...but I am still scared of doing that.

Another guy who "appeared" in my inbox after a long absence, is also someone from DC...a musician who really likes me. He was not in a poly relationship, although he very much wanted to have an affair. I never let him get farther than a stolen kiss because I did not want to be the "other woman" and I most certainly did not want to be gossip fodder in our circle of friends...

Here is how he reappeared...

I know it's been a long time, and I should make this more of a chatty email, but I'm kind of going down the list of people to tell.

[My wife] wants a divorce. Moving out in September. How's that for news?

I hope things are better where you are.

He married a much younger woman (seventeen years), and I think they have really just grown apart. I think she wants to be free, and I am just as sure he does not. This development could change things between he and I, but I am not sure I really want to be physical with him. I just don't know. I expect the issue will be broached, as it always is when I see him, but that won't be in the foreseeable future.

The third guy who came back into my life is one of my Starwood friends. My partner said this man was disappointed that I wasn't at Starwood..."he still likes you, you know" my partner told me. This guy is local...but he is in a messy marriage and staying "because of the kids". He has a polyish love two hours away, but his wife does not know (so it's not poly on his end)...and again...it goes against my moral code to get involved under those terms.

Then there is my female friend who is still quite interested in "having fun" with me, him or us. My partner and another woman shared a body shot out of her ample cleavage in a bar last night. And it was hot...oh my. I honestly felt nothing but turned on to watch the little scene play out before me...and she sent me this today...

I want to do a body shot off your cleavage (but with beer in a shot glass - I don't do 'real' shots). :-)

And, even though my intimacy freak out is on red alert...I am intrigued.

So much to think about on a sunny Saturday. Although my natural inclination is to run from any possible poly connection, the Universe is sending me messages that there are people who are drawn to me, and would want to deepen a relationship with me.

I think a lot of my intimacy fear is rooted in an old insecurity "Once you get to know the real me, you will be bored, disappointed, or turned off." So I stop the flow of anything before we get there.

Maybe, now in my forties...it's time to try instead of run. But I am still scared and uncertain. It's much easier to bury myself in school, work, whatever...

I guess where I am now...is that I really don't know if I want to pursue a poly relationship for myself...but it's nice to know that there are people who are attracted to me. Even if one doesn't want to dance...it's nice to be asked.