Another year over....

So it is January again...Time for resolutions in place of regrets and action in place of motion.

I find myself feeling distant from my life at the moment.  I mean, I am here and going through the motions of doing things...but sort of living above myself rather than in myself.  That's probably not good, though it is certainly easier.  On the surface things look okay.  I am caught up at work.  I am pleasant to my clients and willing to help them out.  I have mastered the new database system, and found ways to incorporate the extra work into a manageable time frame.  I am getting ready to start again the Capstone project (really, any day now...I am going to start again...really), and things are quiet on the homefront.  No drama, but also no excitement.

The Heathcliff thing is still affecting me, and I think that is probably the biggest reason I am living up here instead of down there.  Things don't matter as much up here.  I see.  I observe...but I don't feel.  And not feeling is better right now than feeling pain, loss, and disappointment.

I don't know why this guy has gotten under my skin to this degree.  If I believed in such things as reincarnation I would say that he and I had some sort of major past life connection.  He feels it too...but I think he has decided that we must be on the very fringes of one another's lives, even though he is essentially single, and I have the freedom in my relationship to be with him as well as my primary partner.

Or he just isn't that into me.

Than that thought spins me into all the reasons why of course he's not into me...I am overweight.  I can't seem to take the steps I need to to finish this doctoral project.  I don't have personality.  I am not an artist.  Or a musician.  You know....all the excuses that might be easier to accept than whatever the real reason might be.

But none of that matters where I am.

I float above it all...The world turns.  I do what I am supposed to do at work, and what I need to do at home.  I put away the dishes.  I make my bed.  I take care of  the cat. I try to hide from my partner that I am half a person right now.  Sometimes I can come down to be with him...he mostly doesn't notice that I am not really here, I think.

And so the new year begins.

And whatever will be will be.