Discipline (Self)

I must be near a breaking point.

I threw a phone at work last Friday, which is so unlike me that I was shocked that I had even done such a thing.  It was in private, and the phone did not sustain permanent damage.  But it was a clear sign that things are not right, and the simmering of frustration under the surface is starting to come to a  boil.

I know that I have been frustrated and stressed lately, but I am not sure exactly what in particular, if any one thing is causing this.  On the surface, things appear all right.  I have job security.  I can pay all my bills.  I like where I live.  Relationship is working.  Geriatric Cat lives on....Things are okay, really they are.

But, I don't feel okay.  I have lost that fire or passion that drives one to get things done.  I have been in stagnation almost a year on my doctoral project.  I have a few pages written, but I can't seem to move in any direction to finish the damed thing.  I feel sorry for myself that I even have to do it.  How can I be expected to work full time and do this monster thing too?

And yet, people do it all the time.  And neither whining about it nor completely ignoring it have gotten me anywhere.

And then there is my physical health.  I am getting winded now even climbing the stairs to our second story apartment....which is ridiculous.  A couple of months ago, I started walking daily and keeping track of my steps. Then I started running.  Not sure I was losing weight...but I looked an felt better.

Then I just stopped.  And now when I remember to wear my pedometer, I barely crest 3000 steps.

Then there is my lack of sociability.  I feel my openness to other humans open briefly, then snap shut.  I was very open at the festival we attending a few weeks ago.  I found myself attracted an interacting to a number of people, and it felt good!  I felt alive, and able to enjoy being around others.  But a couple of weeks back in the grind of Mundania sucked all that away.  I have people reaching out to me, but I am so tired after work that I just want to come home to my fortress of solitude and recover.

Am I depressed?  Am I stressed?  Am I sick?  Am I lazy?

I don't know.

But I do know I need to light the pilot light in my life to make some changes.   And I also know, that although I have a mile long list of things that could stand improvement, that I won't be able to make a lot of changes and sustain that long term..

I don't really know how to light this fire, but I do know I have lost some ability to force myself to do things I don't want to do.  Maybe the passion for life, passion to finish projects is like muscle.

So....I am going to see if I can make myself do the following things as exercise to build that muscle:

1) Go for a 25 minute walk, or other form of exercise daily.
2) Meditate for at least 10 minutes a day.
3) Work 30 min at some discipline, either  journal writing, practicing piano, yoga (or similar) daily.
4) Work three hours a week on the Capstone.

These all seem doable to me, and I do think success builds on success.  Exercise and meditation will help with the stress and anger. And the projects will give me a yardstick to see improvement.

It may not be much, but it's a start, and I am going zero now, with nothing to lose.