L' Update de Poly

An event of some significance took place this week...I met the potential paramour. It was extremely awkward and uncomfortable, although everyone was making an effort to be civil and nice.

It's funny when your life has a poly subplot. There can be events and emotions that role in with the ever changing tides, and then nothing happens for three weeks. That's sort of how it's been around here.

Sometime last month, my bellydance troupe opened and closed a local recital. Unbeknownst to me the PP (potential paramour) was in the audience, and recognized me from a picture on my partner's My Space page. She was in a dilemma. On the one hand, she thought about coming up to me and introducing herself, but on the other she didn't know if this was a good idea...to meet me without my partner present. When I found out she was there (days later), I had mixed feelings. It was weird she didn't come say hi...but then, I was performing, and it might have really thrown me to know she was there in the audience. So after I thought it through, I am glad I was ignorant about her presence there.

But she felt disturbed by that circumstance, and pressured my partner to set up a meeting for all three of us. I did not want to meet her, really...but knew I needed to. Our meeting was obviously on the Universe's agenda...and we might as well get it over with. Besides, the unknown is usually more scary than actuality. I couldn't form an impression based on reality, without getting a sense of who she was...in person.

Remember, this is not the meeting of a new unblemished lover. My partner and this person were involved about ten years ago. It was a painful time in our relationship, and there was a lot of negative energy around their relationship at the time...so much I had to ask him to stop seeing her for the sake of stability in our primary relationship. He agreed to do that, and things settled down.

So anyhow. I had time to prepare for this meeting with her. I had to drive a few different places that day, and I spent my drive time rehearsing scripts of answers to the questions I was expecting from her. "Why did our relationship cause such a problem for you? Why did you ask him to stop seeing me, when there were other people who were okay? What was it about me?"

All were valid questions I anticipated she might ask. I found a way to tell her the truth, yet not the whole hurtful truth. There were things about her that were upsetting to me. And I had some eyewitness accounts from others who met her, and couldn't figure out what my partner was doing with her. My partner and I started poly when we were in a long distance relationship, so that's why I didn't meet her in person back then. Between mutual friends with negative reports, and certain things my partner told me...the whole relationship just did not sit well with me.

I didn't want to tell her the hurtful stuff, instead I wanted to ease her mind about those painful days. I could tell her, that she was an unfortunate caught in the net of a couple trying poly for the first time. And I could tell her, that my partner and I had fuzzy agreements back then that wound up causing problems. I found a way to make it so it wasn't personal, yet still give her information about that miserable time for all of us.

By the time, Tuesday night rolled around, I actually felt very Zen about the whole event. I was going to meet her, and I was going to end the meeting 45 minutes later or sooner. My partner, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. On the drive up, he told me this was probably most difficult on him. "Just remember...this is all your fault", I helpfully reminded him.

We pulled in, and saw her sitting outside the restaurant at an outdoor table. We experienced the long walk from the car, where she and I would look at each other, and then look away. We got to the table and sat down....and.....nothing. She and I had absolutely nothing to say to each other. My partner fumbled at small talk, but the awkwardness and everyone's palpable discomfort was too much to get by. So where did you go to school? How was work today? Do you like art? What book are you reading? What class are you taking at school now? Where do you work? What do you do? Oh. That's nice. uh huh Boy this is really awkward!!! ....long silence.....

About half an hour into this unnatural situation, people finally began to warm up. When there was a topic that we could have more than two or three volleys of conversation around, we all tried to keep it going. We were able to laugh at times, and at some points someone's true personality showed through. But by my 45 minute boundary, I had had enough. Actually, I think everyone had had enough, and I ended it for us by saying we needed to get to a store before it closed. They hugged goodbye, she and I shook hands. And it was over. We never got to the hard stuff. It was uncomfortable enough to talk about the easy stuff.

He and I walked into the mall, and bought a garbage can from Linens and Things. (There's a joke in there somewhere.) Then I said, "I think you need to buy me dinner." We went to Marcaroni Grill, and both sucked down a large glass of chianti.

Some of the awkwardness from the meeting bubbled up into amplifying the differences between he and I in relationship preferences and styles. So...we also had uncomfortable moments at dinner. I told him she was nice, but I didn't really see what the attraction was. He said he really wanted to develop the relationship with (uh, let's call her) Kay (his other girlfriend). I said I would much rather he put energy into things with Kay. Kay and I are not pals. We don't see each other, write each other, or go out to lunch...but we know each other, and I highly approve of her. She is smart, wise, ethical, and quite schooled in poly. She is married with one child, and in no way pushes buttons. She is the ideal poly partner in my opinion. I have no issue with her. And if we did go out to dinner, we would have plenty to talk about.

In Perfect World Poly, everyone would know and like each other. And everyone would be friends with their partner's other partners. And there would be much love and joy in this world, and the birds would sing and drop cartoon ribbons and hearts on new lovers. For some poly relationships, I think it does go this way. But not all. There are some people your partner might choose that you are just not going to fall for, or even like. PP and I could make an attempt "for the man we both care about", to be friends and make it easy for him...but, what if there if there is just nothing between us? Had I met her out of this poly context, we would not be friends. I would be amicable to her, and say "Hi, how are you?" when we ran into each other, then I would move on to someone else. I don't think you can force friendship when the basic ingredients are not there.

I am still not thrilled, happy, or the least bit compersive about this possible relationship...but, I do think PP is benign. I can handle it, if they want to get together. I can deal with it. I can make myself deal with it.

The latest development is that she is now not sure of the poly thing, and she wants to talk to him about it. I don't know what that means. I know when I have been thinking about getting involved, and I meet the primary, I sometimes back out of the sexual aspect. If I believe that the primary will be hurt, doesn't want the involvement, or I think she won't like me if I am sexual with her partner, I drop it. Maybe that is happening here. But then again, for me it takes time to adjust to new poly relationships in our lives. I am rarely jumping for joy right off the bat. It usually gets better. I am willing to tell her this.

So my partner is gone for the weekend. And I don't know what more there is to think about the whole thing. I guess I will know more after they have their "talk". Which could be three weeks from now.