Blast from the Past

So an ex-lover of my partner, who caused a great deal of drama in our relationship several years ago, has returned to live in Our Fair City once again. And naturally, over time, she contacted my partner and they are now having weekly dinners together, at her house.

I expect that this will flower into a sexual relationship once again...the door was opened last night.

And I am not sure what to feel about it.

I mean on the one hand....I really don't like this person. The politest way I can describe her is to take that line from the Desiderata:

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

Point #1 She is loud.
Point #2 She is certainly vexatious to MY spirit.

Perhaps that was one of the reasons I did not take to her. I tend to be more of a quiet sort who likes quiet pursuits. I can often be found curled up on a couch or chair with books or puzzles, and perhaps a cat...or even two. I am the one at parties who seeks corners, and delights at uncovering another introvert, so we can make quiet awkward conversation till the moment it is socially acceptable to make our way back to our respective homes. By contrast, this other person is the loud joke or antidote teller...the one who fills all the moments between conversations with bustle and noise, and whom I perceive to very much enjoy being THE center of attention.

I can make a long list of crimes and mistakes that she committed all those years ago. I can leave out the list of mistakes, overreactions, and hardnesses on my own part. I can persuade you that she was an awful immature person and make myself out to be the wronged and suffering party. I did not handle the situation well. Neither did she. And the roller coaster ran amok.

Several years ago, plus one...after she had done me a huge favor and moved away, (and the drama died), I still carried resentment and anger about her. And then in one of my quiet reading moments, I came across a passage from OSHO...I can not find it now of course...but it was a Buddhist thought, something about forgiveness, that YOU are a different person now, and your "enemy" is a different person now, and so basically what does it all matter? Whatever the sentiment, it hit home. She and I were different people now, and maybe we would handle the whole thing differently, or not...but it didn't matter anymore. That person was not a part of my present or world anymore, and ruminating on the misery of it all was certainly not doing me any good.

I let it go.

And now that the situation may be back, I find myself strangely detached. Because, by the weird poly criteria that fall into place to make me okay or not okay with someone, oddly she fits. Over the years my criteria has changed, but what works best for me presently are these two things.

1) I like the person.
2) I "get" it. Meaning, I see or understand why my partner is drawn to that person.

So, I do not like this person. I don't want to be "friends" or have her be a part of of our couple social life. I don't want to do dinner, or make nice if she comes over to visit... BUT, I do get it. This woman is smart and funny. She has traveled, and although I personally don't like her, other people do. I might even have liked her had we not had all the drahmah eight years ago.

Now instead of having both those things above, I think, I just need to have one. I need to really like the person, even it I don't "get" the relationship. Or I need to "get" the relationship, even if I don't really care for the person.

Which is not to say, I am happy about the situation. I did feel some anger arise when he told me about his evening. I didn't express the anger to him. I listened. I thanked him for the honesty. Then I sat with myself. I let the anger have it's moment, and then I let it roll away. I think it had to do with the dinner party aspect...like he was her date and they were entertaining another couple. I didn't care for that. But as Cheney says, so? He was her date that night. They had dinner with another couple. So what?

I am not saying that I will handle this like a pro this time through (if they become an item again)...but I am not having nearly the upheaval it caused me before. I think I am okay with the following...I don't want her to be a part of my life. If it is important to him that we three have dinner or something, I will do that, and I will be civil and polite. If by some off chance, I happen to like her this time around, I will try to honor that, and let feelings of friendship flourish. If I don't like her, I will tell him that I did dinner, but now I am through. He's on his own from here on out.

My partner likes Pollyanna Poly...you know, the model, where we all like and love each other, and the non involved partners hang out with the involved extra people. But, in my experience, it doesn't always work that way. He and I are not always attracted to the same types of people. It doesn't work to force a friendship if the basic chemistry is just not there.

So, who knows. I feel detached about this now. Maybe I will be upset, or maybe I will continue to not be affected. Having a major complication like school in my life probably defrays a lot of energy and attention I might otherwise devote to being upset. Or maybe I am getting more mature. It's probably the former, but I like to think it's perhaps the latter.