Where have been, and what you seen?

And the months pass. I have thought about throwing updates here, but what I have to say is depressing, at least to me, and I haven't had the energy to rehash it all. I still don't feel like doing it, but I am compelled to write...something.

The events with Heathcliff have boiled down to...if you could have one sweet moment in time with a person...one perfect, wonderful moment...but that was all it would ever be...would it be worth it?

I am still trying to decide.

In that moment, I remember thinking, "Oh God. Yes! YES! If this is all it ever is, it is SO worth it!"

But that was all it was...followed a month of 'what's going on?' And then months more of heartache. Now, really...I am not so sure it was worth it.

On good days, I still lean towards 'yes'. And days like today, well...

We are here on Earth school to live, love, and learn. So, in grabbing for the brass ring with Heathcliff, I did all three. The draw was so strong for both of us, that I think it was meant to be, that moment. But, life also gives us choices. It was too complicated and weird for him. Or it was a mistake for him. Or he wanted more with me, but when he had it...he wanted less.

The saddest thing for me, is that I have probably lost it all with him. Now, really we are barely friends. I "see" him online sometimes. He posts on facebook. Sometimes he will comment on my posts...but our "relationship" is a shadow of a sliver of what it once was.

So, I take solace in that there is perhaps more room in a broken heart. And there are some days now, that I can make it without thinking of him at all. And then there are times like today, when I have tears in my eyes and a secret sadness that no one feels the depth of or understands.

Was is worth it?

You tell me.

Bitter Tea

Life has been settling into some new type of normal I guess. So far 2009 has been a Great Upheaval. I finished my final class, and persevered through comps. And we managed to pull off a painful move from a place we loved and had been in nearly ten years. We shed a lot of stuff that needed to go, and are learning to live in this smaller very different space. I have new windows with views that are starting to become familiar. The new place is surprisingly good, and I can now see that the move was actually a healthy thing. Change can feel like a new start.

I am tired though and have become pretty reclusive. I want to stay home and get through the remainder of the boxes...and I will need to throw myself into the capstone project which is due November 15th if I want to graduate in December. I just don't seem to have a lot of energy or interest in blogging right now. Facebook is better...I can manage 140 characters or less...blogging takes so much energy and thought.

So anyhow...I will take a stab at an update here, but I am rusty. And the topic that begs exploration is poly since there has been activity there.

Okay...so back in April a turn of the wheel brought me back in touch with someone who used to be a major crush...The guy was totally my type...tall, dark, intellectual, funny, and prone to despair. I don't know why I am attracted to these types...but there it is. This guy has been my personal Heathcliff for many years...We have had some history at play, where at parties we have wound up in a hot tub in the wee hours of the morning (with my partner too)...and we had an interaction once which turned out "not so good". Heathcliff knew we were poly, but I made an assumption about his status. The right questions were not asked in the heat of the moment, and it caused a major bump in the road for his relationship. I backed away, and years passed. He went out of and into a different long term relationship with someone else, and my feelings settled into safe comfortable friendship.

Until April. He had ended his relationship and was now free...and lonely. We started an email corrospondence that grew to several a day. The emails were those I love--witty, weird, intellectual, and suggestive. A door had opened, and I was happily planning to go through it. We even had a date planned. We would have dinner, drink red wine, and watch a movie. Then who knows? I might have gone home, but we would have become closer. Or I might have spent the night. My mind began playing delicious scenarios. I was happy...and I found feelings and sensations rise to the surface that I had not felt in years...My partner was delighted with the change in me. I was alive, and he benefited from the sexual tension that this other person had unlocked within me. My partner was encouraging and sweet. I know he wanted this for me as well.

All was moving in a good direction...but...remember. This is Heathcliff, and Heathcliff must have tragedy. And this is me. Poly things just rarely work out for me. And thus, the wheel turned again and, all was lost. Heathcliff got fired the week before we were to get together. Verily, Heathcliff flung himself off an emotional cliff and is currently on a motorcycle trip that is to last the summer. So, he is on a journey to sort out his life, and I am still wondering why the Universe thought all that was necessary. I really really could do without the tease, thank you very much.

He will return in the Fall, and we will see where things are...but my hopes have been incinerated, and it seems pointless to poke in the dust and ashes to restir any embers.

It's funny...of course it wasn't going to work out. It's sad...of course it wasn't going to work out. Oh well.

For my partner though, things are looking up. He has rekindled an old flame with a lover from years gone by, who is now trying to divorce her slacker of a husband. And my nemesis Potential Paramour (PP) is back in the picture...and she and my partner had sex two weeks ago. There is a lot to the PP story, but it's not really mine to tell. I can write about my feelings on the matter, but there are some weird dynamics and I don't think it appropriate that I blog about it just yet. Let's just say...I am not happy about this status change. I have never liked this person, and recent developments have not changed my opinion of her. My partner is not sure either...he is stalling things for now...but I am sure it will work out in a way that I will hate but tolerate. I evidently have veto power, but I am not going to use it. If he wants to explore things with her, I am not going to stop him, but there are issues that are particularly repugnant to me about the whole thing, and he does risk a shut down towards him on my part. There were no tears or fighting over it, but I asked he sleep in his own room for a couple of nights. That might have gone on longer, but his son came to stay with us, and that room was needed as a guest room. My main concern was the suddenness of the event, and I was worried he had been lying to me about their status. But I do believe him on how it played out. This woman is a serious flake and would be the type to not have contact with someone for a couple of months, and then after 11 years of not being sexual suddenly decide to have sex. Okay...whatever.

So he is quite happy. And we are going to a festival in two weeks in which he will get together with yet another lover. There is a guy there who is interested in me, but I am not interested in him in that way (the story of my life). I can see how being a sunny extrovert (like my partner) might bring more lovers into your life than being a stick in the mud introvert (like me). In the meantime, I will carry on, and drink my bitter tea while I try to find a way to adjust to all this.

It seems unfair, but no one promised that life was fair. And I have a doctoral project to write. That should keep me quite busy for the foreseeable future...which might stop me from analyzing everything to death. But probably not...remember, this is me.

Milestones

It has been silent in Tangerine land lately, but it has been rather busy in the land of Real Life. Since I last wrote I completed the tenth and final course towards my doctorate. I then had to endure a six day comprehensive final drawn from the coursework. Comprehensive finals were exhausting and brutal. They were every bit about emotional endurance as well as being an elaborate academic exercise. It took three weeks for the exams to be graded, but I found out last Thursday, that I PASSED! So...no more classes and no more tests. There is one final thing to do in this program and that is the Capstone Project. It is similar to a thesis or dissertation, but it does not need to be original research so there is more latitude. I am not sure what my capstone will be yet, but I do have a Chair lined up and some time to work that out. I won't return to "school" until the end of June, so the break is nice...

However, the break is not as nice as it could be, because we are also moving, and to make it worse--into a smaller space. We have been this apartment (the second story of a big house) for ten years...and friends, a lot can accumulate in that frame of time. I have made several runs to Goodwill. It has made me think a lot about how I spend my money. I spend for things that I think I can't live without, only to be packing them away for donation a few years later. My vice has always been buying books. I do it for shopping therapy, but books are such a poor investment. I get pennies on the dollar at Half Price. I have been pretty brutal this time through in letting things go. It is hard, but I hope I will be rewarded by having a clutter free home, and that my storage closets will be for things that I actually like and use. We will have a garage this time, so that will help with some of the furniture we like but won't have space for upstairs. However, I don't want a garage full of boxes that will be moved again and again that hold things we clearly don't need.

I hope to be a more active poster here once the dust settles. And I hope I have a more interesting and fun life to inspire those posts. Lately it has been all about school, which is boring to write about, and even more boring to live.

Oh My

If you are new here...don't be mislead. This is a secondary journal, plus I am an adult grad student. I get very busy between work and school. It may be weeks before another post gets thrown up here. If I write about something out of the mainstream, it tends to be on poly related topics. And you don't care about poly. You care about bright welts on reddened skin. I know your type. So fair warning friend, you will likely be disappointed or bored by this journal, if you try to follow me too closely.

None the less, I am good friends with the Herons, and I delight in trying to understand their world, and want to share with them when some of it spills into my own life.

So, I have already written an epic about last night, and I have nothing more to say on that for the time being. (I am sure you are glad of that.)

This post is about an ex-lover who is also a massage therapist, and who has kindly cut me a very nice rate for a monthly hour of massage. We have a professional relationship as well as a nice friendship now, and he has never crossed any line with me on his table. Though truthfully...there have been a couple of times when I wished he would have.

Anyhow, we do one Sunday a month at 4pm. It's been fine, except that last Sunday we were scheduled to go, and I totally forgot about it. I had received a very upsetting email from my boss telling me that I had to testify against a client last week and it threw me into a tizzy.

I received a call from my massage friend wondering where I was, and I had to explain that I had forgotten. He laughed, and we rescheduled for today.

It was on my calendar.

I thought this morning, I need to remember about 4pm today.

Then...I got all caught up in the drama of last night, my lack of sleep, and got distracted by the things I normally do on Sundays, and...I did it again. I forgot about the appointment.

This was so unlike me, that I can hardly believe it happened at all. Not to mention twice! Am I starting to develop adult Alzheimer's at 42?

So, I wrote him a note....I should mention, that my friend is one of the alternative crowd who often attends parties at the bonfire place. And he has more than a passing interest in BDSM. He was my first real intro into that world, and my only really, until I encountered the Herons. He wondered, at one time if I had an interest in gaining first hand (so to speak) experience, and though I was thinking about it, his partner ruined it by publicly embarrassing me about the possibility in front of some very very straight vanilla friends. I had to play it off like it was a huge joke, but I concluded that although I did trust him...I couldn't trust her...And if I ever "went there", I would need to feel safe and certainly that I wasn't going to be on the local gossip page.

So anyhow. I was too much of a coward to call my friend when I had discovered my error an hour and a half after I was supposed to meet him at his house. I wrote an email telling him how sorry I was. And although I had no excuses, I did share the trauma of last week to explain why I was more flaky than usual. Because I am a joker and a flirt, I also told him I knew I deserved to be punished. I said he could spank me. Or I could spank him (he's a switch). Whichever he preferred.

My phone rang almost immediately. It was him. He was so nice and understanding. And we rescheduled for WEDNESDAY AT 6:30. That appointment is WEDNESDAY AT 6:30 (sorry, I am trying to pound that into my brain). So fine, we were about to hang up when he said..."By the way. I am holding you to that offer."

"Oh?" I said, "which way?"

"We'll talk about it...Later.", he replied.

He might be joking back at me. He could be pulling my chain, because he knows he can.

But, based on what I know of him...he is probably not joking.



So. First the violet wand. Then a night of friendly caresses by a fire. And now this. The Universe does seem to be sending me some options to spice up my otherwise boring academic and work drone life.

And yes. If it happens, I will likely write about it here.

Poly Weirdness

Nothing about last night went as planned. The previous week had been emotionally draining and exhausting due to things in my work and school life. I needed the night to chill out and I had planned to stay home and work on a paper I have due next week.

But as Saturday evening approached, it was clear, my paper was not going to get written. I was tired and depressed, and I couldn't make myself get into the zone for school. By evening, I had fallen into severe introvert mode, and though I wasn't going to be paper writing maybe some alone time would be good. My partner wanted to go to a bonfire party, and he felt it would be healthier for me to go as well, rather than to sit home and stew.

We often have this push pull between us. He wants to go out. I want to stay home. Sometimes, it is good for an introvert to be pushed into being social, sometimes the party animal needs to stay home and recharge. Sometimes we both win, he goes and I stay. The tables were turning between these two options. He would go either way, but the question was what I would do.

I couldn't imagine having anything to say to anyone. I saw myself sitting alone staring into the fire while he played music and flitted around, ever the social butterfly. People would wonder why someone as outgoing as he would be stuck with one so dull as I.

We compromised that we would take separate cars, and so I would go...but could leave when I got tired or bored. So we set out for the bonfire party.

The party was held on top of a hill at a friend's house. There are many parties that happen on that land. The people who live there are arty musician types. They are a poly family, a woman with two males (who are not intimate with one another) and the two teenagers who are the children of the married couple. Both of the guys are in my partner's band. While most of the parties on that space are music oriented with dancing around the fire or perhaps fire spinning, there are also parties of another type. The the larger social group of friends are an alternative crowd. Many are in open relationships, and several of the group are into some form of BDSM. So some of the parties are settings where deeper physical intimacy or perhaps some sort of scene might take place.

I have opted (so far) not to go to these parties. Although I have my freedom, there is something about going to a poly "play" party that freaks me out. I sometimes am not good at setting boundaries. I have felt stuck in situations where I became uncomfortable and had a hard time finding my voice.

But a couple of months ago, we received an invitation to one of the play parties. I had a woman's night scheduled on that night. Three of the women from my troupe had planned to hang out with wine and cheese, and a night of talking in the hot tub. But my partner wanted to go to the special party. We talked about it, and I said I was okay with it. I sent him off with a weak, "don't do anything I wouldn't do"...

I had a lovely non-sexual evening with my pals. We joked about the irritating things about being in relationships with men. We talked about our favorite topic of dance, and made plans for future gigs. I tried to keep my mind on the present, and not think about the party taking place a few miles away on top of that hill.

When I heard about my partner's evening, I was relieved to hear that it was more tame than my wildest fears. The party actually sounded quite nice, and something that I might even enjoy. There were a few mild scenes and lots of puppy piles with caressing hands...but if anything hard core or deeply sexual was happening...it was behind closed doors somewhere else.

My partner did have an interaction with a couple that we knew. We had hung out with them at festivals, and in the late of the night had been in some cozy situations. There has been an undercurrent of attraction amongst the four of us at various times, but I think of the group...I am the least interested in exploring it. I am not so drawn sexually to her because I don't know her well enough...but I do like him. However, I don't want to be sexual with him beyond touching...for a variety of reasons. She has been attracted to my partner (and others), and this is something both my partner and I have known.

So anyhow, that night, the three of them wound up together and had a nice but mild interaction that did not go beyond touching. I think she lost her top at some point...but there was no going to another room and having a threesome or anything.

So that is some history...fast forward to last night. I was feeling vulnerable after the heavy pressure cooker of a week I survived. And I had shared the details of it on another blog site on which the guy and I are "friends". He knew where I was emotionally, and really, he was so supportive and sweet to me. He empathized and made me laugh, and I felt safe with him.

At some point, my partner and his partner were both playing music (with others) in front of the fire. And he was sitting alone. I was feeling kind of lonely, and I went to sit next to him. He put his arms around me, and pulled me into him in to watch the fire. I let myself feel taken care of. There was a live gypsy band of friends playing music behind us. And soon, a young lesbian woman came to our pile and settled into my arms, and the three of us made a tight knit ball.

I was tense, they both knew it. He knew it was the week I had. She didn't care the cause. They coaxed me to relax, and soon I was drifting off into a sea of music, firelight, and the sense of being supported by others...

It was lovely. It was cozy...and I wish things had stayed just that way. But these two are used to cuddling easing into more sexual waters. Suddenly I felt hands wander under my shirt from above and below. It felt good, but it wasn't really where I wanted to go. At first I let it go on, but then hands became more insistent and more daring.

I did not want to become a spectacle in front of the fire and I didn't want to be sexual. Call me a stick in the mud. I was into the contact and gentle touch, but that was enough. It became more not okay for me. And the pressure I was exerting to resist or stop was being ignored. So I told them I was getting tense again. He whispered that both our loves were behind us, knew what was going on and were okay with it. I told him that wasn't it, I just didn't want to go further. He respected that and stopped. That little minx of a lesbian was harder to control, but she slowed down a bit as well. There was detente for awhile...

Then suddenly his girlfriend leaned into our group, and whispered something to him like..."You and I need to talk at the car now." Uh oh. She was not happy. He left to comfort her. I stayed a bit with the minx, but I managed to get my partner's eye, and mouthed HEEEELLLP! to him, and he manufactured an excuse to get me on my feet.

After that, for me, the night just got more uncomfortable. I bumped into the guy alone, and asked him if things were okay...and he said yes and no. She was upset, but also had hormone issues that night that may have made things worse. I saw them together hugging, and talking, but I kept my distance. She and I did not speak, and eventually I slipped off home. I got home at 3:30 am (time change) but it was still a late night for me.

I had all sorts of feelings about it. In the past, she seems to have had no second thoughts about going towards my partner, even in front of me. Yet she was clearly upset at her partner and I together. Besides, the sexual component was something I was not even interested in (though she had no way of knowing that).

I tried to cut her slack. These poly waters are hard. I even admired her for making her partner aware that she was upset. If the situation would have been reversed I probably would have sulked off on my own. It was healthier to let him know she was upset. And I think there was a situational jealousy aspect. They are a long distance couple, and she had traveled nearly two hours to come to this party and see him...It probably felt like he was ignoring her and giving affection to another.

I get it. I often have those feelings...what bothered me was the apparent unfairness of how she acted with my partner, but not okay with her partner and me.

So anyhow. It's the next day. Probably the whole thing will get settled and be okay. I sent him this note....

Hey there.

Just checking in to see if everything is okay. I felt really awkward, and I didn't know how to act around [her] after the upsetness. I tried to keep distance, and eventually I just slipped away.

It sounded like your night ended differently than you hoped.

After the week I had, it felt really good to lean into your arms. I knew you understood where I was after the court thing, and well...it was just nice.

So...I hope everything is okay. Based on history between you, [her, and my partner]...I had no reason to think that us cuddling by the fire would cause any sort of issue...but I am really sorry if it did.

Tangerine

So...it just goes to show the situations that poly folks can wind up in that mono couples do not have to deal with. All in all, it was a nice night, and it was good to connect more deeply with people than I normally do. We will just have to see what fallout (if any) there is from this...

Cat Scratches

There are long red welts on my arms this morning. And my skin has a sting that is not normally there....

Cat Scratches.



That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

The Rest of the Story

Forgive me Blogger for it has been many weeks since my last post. I started a story, and did not finish it. So today, when I have Units 1-6 to review, a paper due in two weeks, and a case study to attack...I find it easier to plunge back into the familiar world of naval gazing and academic procrastination.

When I last left off, things were coming to a boiling point in my relationship. Actually, as I was finishing the final touches on that entry, my partner came home, and forced a much needed talk.

To review, what had been a playful interaction of ass swatting between the two of us, had become an infuriating irritation to me (the recipient). Things had gotten out of hand from my point of view, and one ill timed spank too many resulted in an overreaction on my part and hurt feelings on his. We did not address it in the moment, but it was noted by both of us that something had changed. A few more misunderstandings later, and we found ourselves staring at one another as two strangers.

I have been around this tree many times in the course of our long term relationship. Small things multiply, and big things don't get addressed. We chant the communicate, communicate, communicate mantra around here...but sometimes life interferes with the actual verb of it coming to fruit.

My personal roadblocks are...fatigue (I am too tired to take this on), fear (maybe if we talk about this small item, the unloosening will cause an avalanche I am not prepared to deal with), ignorance (something is going on, but I don't know what it is...so I will give it time and see if the issue reveals itself), weariness (I thought I had dealt with this inadequacy in my person, yet here it is again, not conquered after all), and others I can't think of at the moment. My experience, is that when you don't deal with something in front of you, that the repression tends to make the resentment or stress (or whatever) pop out in a sideways fashion. Then you and your partner(s) end up arguing about something that is not the real issue at all. I think many American couples operate this way and it is considered normal. In other words, the argument of "who squeezed the toothpaste where" is not really about toothpaste at all.

The spanking issue between us...was not really about spanking then. There were a few things going on. When the spanking increased, our sex life had decreased. It's awfully easy for me to get exhausted by my own life...school, work, rehearsals, stress all wear me down. Add in his busy schedule and sex had been pushed down the list. Really, sex had been pushed off the list altogether. My partner was like a plant who was not getting enough water.

I think his frenetic spanking was meeting a need for erotic contact. We hug and cuddle even during busy times, but that meets an intimacy need, not an Eros need.

On my end, I was very stressed. I hadn't had alone time in a long time and my batteries had simply run low. I had no erotic playfulness left in me and it felt like he was invading my territory.

The talk let us put everything on the table. I believe there were other issues that were aired out as well, but I can't remember now what all that might have been. In the give and take things were examined, commented upon and fixed.

Except that they weren't.

I had been quite clear on the "you are spanking too much and too hard" issue. He said, "I don't want to spank you if you don't think it's fun". Since the spanking argument wasn't really about spanking, I was ready for that playfulness to go back to being what it was. But now, he was under the impression that spanking irritated me and that it might be that way forever. So suddenly, his natural inclination to spank me resulted in the natural spank...followed by a quick unnatural..."Oh, I'm so sorry!". Or he would bite me lightly during sex, but suddenly feel like he had violated me.

Things were messed up, and what was playful between us was no longer there. Something that was fun was twisted into something unrecognizable.

This weirdness lasted a couple of weeks. But I think he finally understood that we once we had resolved the issues that were triggered by spanking, that we didn't need to modify behavior in that department. I had settled down too, so I didn't perceive that he was being obnoxious or overzealous in anymore...

At some point after the talk, business called him away for several days. I was able to sink into some alone time, and that did heal a lot of what was wrong with me. I wasn't as touchy and volatile as I had been. And although we still have difficulty fitting sex into our schedule, we both are aware that we need to find time to connect in that way.

These relationship things can be tricky, confusing, and hard to explain. I have found it difficult to actually sit down and type it all out. I feel like I have knotted words, and what people will see is a confusing mess, rather than clarity on what happened.

I guess the important thing is that he and I seem to be back on track. We are not confused about things at the moment. And the spanking thing seems to be back to normal.

Spank me not!

My love and I have a partnership relationship. We try to do things equally. We divide bills, swap nights in the driveway, and we make major decisions together. If there is disagreement, one person will try to convince the other until there is agreement. If one feels stronger about an issue where the other person doesn't care, the one who wants it most gets their way. We try to be fair...So household conversations go like this:

What do you want to do tonight?

How about a movie, I've been wanting to see ____________.

A movie sounds good, but I don't want to see that one. How about _________.

I don't really care as long as we get to see some movie, so let's see yours.

OR

Let's go out and have Indian for dinner tonight.

You got to pick last time, so it's my turn. How about Thai?

Fine. Let's go!

There are few issues we can't agree on. I get my way as often as he gets his, and if there is a tilt in power one time, it tends to balance out to the other person at some point. Our finances are separate, so he would never say "You can't buy that!" Nor, would I ever tell him what he can buy or can't. I might express an opinion, but that's all it is. He is a free agent as am I.

In poly, we check in and run things by one another. Sometimes we might even ask permission of one another to do something with some one else. We say...how do you feel about that? And we take the other person's feelings into account in making a poly (or any other) decision.

If we engage in relationship power exchanges (not talking about sex here), it is because one person is down and out or sick, so the other partner will take the lead until the person gets on their feet. Or maybe we dip into soft BDSM "play". But I mean soft and I mean play. If he issues an order...it usually results in me rolling my eyes and saying yeah right with as much disrespect as I can muster. Or I issue an order, he might say "Really? I don't think so. That's not how it works around here." Then I get spanked. Then I spank back. I believe in tit for tat on the spanking thing. Don't dish it out if you are not prepared to take it. Though sometimes, if I am tired or not in the mood to spank back I do just take it. Occasionally, he just takes it. We have mock fights over who is the Dominant. We have mock fights over who is taller, on the notion that the taller one is smarter or somehow better. It's a coveted position to be tallest in this house.

However...his spanking has gotten out of hand lately. It happens way too often and seems to have become standard interaction for him rather than occasional play. I declared 2009 a spank free year...but that hasn't worked. Now, because his spanking has increased, it is at a level I find highly irritating, and it almost always puts me in a bad mood when it happens, as it now so often does.

The spanking also bothers me in that maybe I am being a wimp to tolerate this behavior as much as I do...because I don't believe any other woman in his life would put up with this sort of thing, especially long term.

Last night, I was cooking dinner, and he came in to ask me something. I was in a nightshirt that had shrunk a bit, and I tend not to wear underwear...so there was some ass showing here and there as I bent or moved around the kitchen. Unintentionally flashing bare ass in my own home is NOT an invitation for a spank. However, he was in a playful mood. He tried to engage me in a mock argument in which we often engage.

But my head was focused on a long list of things to do. I needed to get organized for school. I had laid out $200 for books that said "required" but are apparently "optional". I have a quiz this week. I needed to get some laundry done. Where was the damn salt?

I just wasn't in the mood for his little game. He verbally trapped me in a statement that is generally true but not completely true, and in his head...this warranted a spank for the "lie".

But it was the wrong time. I got furious and started hitting till I had him backed up across the room saying "What are you doing?" with a hurt bewildered look on his face. I did not say the following to him...but it was in my head. "Look motherfucker....I am cooking, and I don't have time for this bullshit! " Instead, I could see that his feelings were hurt, so I toned everything down, and proceeded like nothing had happened.

The temperature cooled, and we dropped it. I know he is not psychic. And although I tend to think he should have developed some sort of radar for when I am in an okay mood for play or not after 14 years of relationship, I know that he hasn't. He can't always read me. And I can't always read him. In my world, if you can't tell if someone is receptive to a spank, you'd best play it safe and not spank. In his world, I am fair game.

Our relationship has always had a coyote aspect to it. We play tricks on each other and tease quite a bit. We call ourselves worthy opponents, and we are.

This spanking thing isn't really a huge problem per se, but it is turning into an irritation. If it continues to cause upset for me, I guess I will have to sit down with him and and talk. We can negotiate boundaries. I can tell him how I feel. I will listen to what he has to say. And we will move on.

Solstice Morning

This morning at 7:04 EST was the moment of the Winter Solstice. At that moment the sun was the farthest in the sky that it can be from the Northern Hemisphere. It means that today is the shortest day of the year, and either last night or tonight will be the longest night. We are without the sun for longer than at any other time of year. Though, as I write this the sun is shining happily in the sky, and the morning is bathed in bright golden light.

Vicki Noble (co-creator of the motherpeace tarot) writes...

Christianity is the prevailing religion in the U.S., but there are also much more ancient images to confirm for us that this spiritual rebirth which we cherish at this time of year can be relied upon--and that the birth of the Solstice Child, the simple rebirth of the light, happens always at the moment of the year's most powerful darkness: Winter Solstice.

****
For those who follow the heartbeat of the earth, notice and celebrate the turning of the wheel, today is a special day.  It is the return of the SUN, the birth of the child of light...a concept which another certain religion co-opted to get the pagan folk to buy into their new holiday which occurs very near this time of year, the birth of the SON, the child of light...Tricky those folks...

Solstice is a time of renewal and hope, and with each day that passes, we know that a little more light has been gifted to us.

This morning, I find myself in a thoughtful mood.  M spent the night at a solstice party, where I am sure they drummed until dawn around a fire, although he rolled in at 5:30 or so.  Tonight we will go to a Solstice dinner with some friends.  We are bringing the salad and the mead...earth food and honeywine. It doesn't get more pagan than that!

We also have a Christmas tree up, and the house is starting to take on the cheerful look of the holidaze.  We are getting close to the New Year, and I am taking stock of my life. There are things I would like to work on for sure.  2009 promises change as we will be forced to move out of our beloved apartment in the old 1880 house. (Our landlord wants to expand up into our apartment.)  Hopefully I will graduate from school next December. (Predicated on that I will come up with something for the doctoral project...yikes...)  Most of us are worried about the dire state of the economy, and afraid that things will get much worse before they get better...I worry about the safety of my job.

But I want to end on a happier note than the economy.  Today is also the start of another holiday...Hanukkah.  This is another holiday about holding onto light in the darkness.  So in that spirit, here is a happy song to start out the day.