Are you lonely tonight?

I am starting to feel depressed and alone. I am just sinking slightly emotionally, although, it's still possible things could turn around. But, then again, it could tip either way.

I am finding it is really lonely to be an adult student...When I was in grad school many years ago, I lived in a dorm with other grad students. We commiserated. We saw other lights on late at night and early into the morning...Someone else was up studying late too.

Now I am the only one I know in school. We (my love and I) go out and socialize with friends, and school is mostly what I have to talk about, because that is what is mostly going on for me. I generally get pitying looks, and "better you than me" comments. What makes it worse, is that I am in a very difficult class, the one that has the reputation for being the hardest (so smooth sailing after this one, righto!).

It's hard to hear about other people who can make plans for weekend get-aways, movies, or even people who have time to read trashy novels...My spare time is spent studying or feeling guilty for not studying, (or blogging obviously).

I am finding it hard to stave off self pity, and the real fear of not passing. The grade is weighted very heavily towards the final...it's worth 595 of 700 points.

I need to really throw myself into the material this weekend, and if I feel like just maybe I am "getting it" things will turn around. If I feel like I have been productive over the weekend I will feel better. If I get some of the HUGE project done (due in the 10th week of class) I will feel better.

If I let myself sit in a heap of sorrow, and feel so lousy that I am paralyzed to get anything done...then I will really hate myself next week.

I guess we go on many solitary journeys in life. I am on an academic path that I hope will lead to being a better and smarter clinician. I should be able to get a more interesting job with a higher pay rate. Eye on the prize and all that...

There are two other tools that I know would help me...consistently meditating and exercising. I often don't feel like doing either of these two activities, and it's certainly easy to let myself off the hook. When I feel sorry for myself, I lack the discipline to make myself do things I don't want to do. I cut myself slack, even when it's things that in the long run would help me feel better.

I also know on some level, I haven't given my "all" yet. I can do better. This class is deceptive, there is not as much "reading" as my other courses, there needs to be a lot of reviewing concepts and figuring out how to do things on a practical level. I haven't fully immersed myself yet. I am afraid on some level if I do fully immerse myself, and I fail...then...I don't know. I will be a loser or something. Or it will mean I am stupid. I don't really know what I am afraid of besides the failure, and what a failure would mean. Dropping out? Taking the class again? Spending another $1300...having to face this teacher will a failure on my record. None of those options are desirable.

So...there it is. I can identify the crux of my misery as being school related, and I know that this too shall pass. And pass by March 30. I just hope I pass too.