Poly Anna?

Okay....I realize I have been negative on the subject of poly lately, because my partner is considering involvement with someone I am not thrilled with...But, despite that, I want to try and write a more positive post on the experience.

My partner has been really sweet lately. Last night, I asked him if he had any communication from she who shall not be named. He told me that he received a one or two sentence email, just saying hi, and asking how his weekend was. I nodded. He came over to put his arm around me and asked if I was worried or just wanting information. I just wanted information. He said, he didn't want to hurt me, and he wouldn't get involved if doing so would. A few times after unpleasant conversations about the issue in the past few weeks, he would rub the small of my back, settling me down, and easing my nerves.

Poly isn't really something I wanted to get into...but it is is factor in my relationship because I have agreed to be involved with someone who considers himself poly. I think for my partner, being poly is part of who he is. He isn't a typical guy. He doesn't care about sports. He cares about relationships. He is fascinated by the interplay with people in his life, and sees poly as a way to deepen ties with those he is drawn too. He is capable of giving love, energy, and support to more than one person. And he certainly is not the type of poly guy who is all about sexual freedom for himself, but not his partner. I have met countless "poly" couples...where it becomes clear the poly part is the man forcing his partner to come up with a "hot bi babe" for their bed. Or the poly part is for the guy to have as many females as he can, but is furious if his partner even flirts with another guy.

It's not that my partner doesn't feel jealousy (although I don't think he struggles with it like I do), but he is about fairness. It is not fair for him to be involved and not me...so he encourages me to try relationships. The thing is....I think I am better suited to serial monogamy...I love the paradigm where you love your partner so much that you don't seriously consider getting involved with another. It's not that you aren't attracted or have cut off your sexuality...you just don't need to go there. That paradigm has gotten me in trouble...because it leads to thoughts like "if you really loved me, you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with another"...or "I don't need another lover. I am fulfilled by this relationship, why aren't you?" And those thoughts lead to pain and misery if you are primaries with someone who is poly, believe me.

So why am I poly??? you ask? Excellent question, I say. For me, poly is not a part of who I am....rather it is a behavior or a relationship style. I rarely say "I am poly". I say, "I am in a poly relationship."

If the world were a different sort of world, I think poly would be the ideal. You as a person, would make a commitment to your partners and to honesty. You seek out people you are drawn to, and are permitted to have the sort of relationship that is right for you two, or three, or whatever...You are not possessive of one another, and you would feel happy to see your partners in fulfilling relationships. If there were not jealousy or pain, wouldn't this be the ideal world? There would be no affairs or cheating. There would be no need. Most people who have been victims of affairs say, it isn't the sex with another that bothered them so much as the outright betrayal and lying.

I like the idea of water brothers and sisters, or the band of friends from Starhawk's book...(remember the orgy scene??) Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all be free to be friends and lovers?

But our world is not like that. And you know what? Our world is not monogamous either. I have seen people have affairs that one would never suspect. And others have affairs about as often as they shake hands... Our divorce rate is over %50 in this country, yet nobody says..."See, monogamy doesn't work!". Our society and government keep fostering "family values" which value the one man, one woman, sex in marriage only ideal. That just doesn't work for many of us.

And if it is pretty much a given, that in the course of a long term relationship, that someone will cheat...(and I think it is nearly a given in most (not all) situations...then dammit, I want some control over how and when it happens. Poly means you make agreements and boundaries with your partners to help everyone feel okay about involvements. It doesn't ease or even prevent all pain, but it is sure better than finding out that much of what you believed about your relationship was a lie.

I do not want to deal with being betrayed by being cheated on. And although, I personally seem well suited to monogamy...my co humans seems to have difficulty with it. Poly is a valid relationship style, and I am in love with someone who identifies as poly, and has a preference for a poly style of relationship. So what's a woman to do? I could leave the most important love I have ever known because I can't handle poly, or I could insist that he be monogamous and thus force him into a relationship style that he has tried and doesn't like, or we can try to work together to make this relationship work. He can compromise. I can compromise. We can give each other freedom and independence to grow how we each need to grow.

I have said before...nothing has pushed me towards personal growth, like poly has. Nothing has caused to me to look at my emotions and behaviors like poly has. Poly has found the cracks in our relationship, and we have healed them. Of course, it has caused some pretty major fault lines at times too.

And, I have had some incredible experiences with other lovers. Sometimes my partner and I have dated the same person, and that was really fun. I like that kind of poly best, where we both are involved with someone. And we have experienced jealosy together, when our female lover disappeared into my partner's male friend's tent...while we were left out in the cold, so to speak. Nothing happened, but both of us had similar jumpy feelings and were able to talk with one another about it. Poly has brought us closer as a couple, because we talk about things on a much deeper level than many of our peers. I have experienced deep love and friendship with someone else, and found my heart still full of love for my partner. It really can work.

My partner and I have tried to be committed to each other's happiness, rather than our relationship. And that means, sometimes, that we must allow a partner to follow their own star. For my partner, he must put up with a doctoral student which is no picnic. I am less available to him when I am deep in a course, and often stressed out to an unreasonable degree. For me, that commitment often means trying to find a way to be okay when my partner is drawn to another.

For the most part it has been okay. My partner has exercised his poly option far less than I feared. I have learned that it really can be okay, especially if I like the person he is involved with. I have rarely felt that strange feeling known as compersion, wherein you actually take delight in your lover being involved with another...but I have felt it at times. If I can't be happy for him, I can usually at least be neutral. The problem as has come in when I have disliked someone. And that may be a problem in this current possible involvement.

I would so rather he decide that he doesn't want to become involved with this person. That way, I can be the "good guy" who was going to be okay with it....but if he really does want to be involved, and she is fairly benign, shouldn't I actually be okay with it? I think I should....At least I am going to try.