Ramblings

I don't know really what to write about so this may meander all over the place.

Dancing: The Big Show went really well last week. It was exciting to be part of something so professional...although, it was still pretty small scale. This was a big local production that pulled in dancers from a few hours away as well as across town. I was happy with how I did--no mistakes that I know of. My shimmy gets a little tighter when I am nervous, but I don't think the audience would notice something like that. The audience was probably watching the super thin dancers anyhow.

Tonight I am dancing at a restaurant with my Thursday night classmates. We are dancing to a live band, and that is always fun. I was annoyed that my partner (who will be playing in the band) invited our landlords from downstairs to go. "You what????" I asked him. He said, "Well, why not--the restaurant is walking distance from here and they might have fun!" I said, "Why would you invite the most Conservative Republican Christian people in our circle to a belly dance show--that WE are in???" That's the difference between us I guess. I am a sourpuss, and would prefer to keep judgmental people sequestered from my more wild side. My partner is an optimist and wants to expand their world. I keep thinking of people in his conservative family that can only equate Middle Eastern music and culture with the terrorists.


Poly: My partner (that is getting awkward, I guess I need to come up with a pseudonym) had a date last Wednesday with the chick on whom I am not so keen. I feel kind of numb and detached about it all now. That night I went out with a friend who can be an energy vampire. After less than two hours, I was sucked dry, and literally came home and fell into bed.

Anyhow, my partner told me about his date in scant detail the next morning. I could have pressed for specifics, but the main thing was (drumroll) THEY WANT TO BE SEXUAL! So, it's not going to go the way I was hoping (in which he comes to his senses and either a) dumps her, or b) realizes that there is not enough substance there for a sexual relationship and decides to keep it platonic.

So the next step is for all of us to get together and discuss this wonderful new development. She will want to know why I had such a problem with her before (and I can not say things that are hurtful and mean like "because you are a twit and someone I wouldn't want in my life, why would I be happy about you becoming part of our relationship dynamic??" No...I can walk around the truth and still tell her part of it. I don't want to hurt or eviscerate her. I just want her to go away...but it seems she is not going to, and therefore I will deal with myself.

My partner essentially asked for my blessing on this. I told him he has my cooperation. That is really the best I can do. I won't block this just because I don't understand it or don't like it. He says, if I feel this strongly, he won't "go there". I say it's his decision. He says he would only want to see her once a month, and he has concerns about getting reinvolved. But his body is curious about her now, and it feels nice to be with her.

I guess another reason I don't care for her, is that she seems to bring out the worst in me. There is just something about her chemically that doesn't mix...and I feel myself becoming mean and judgmental. She is 33 and still lives with her parents. I perceive her as not having her act together. But he is not looking to move her in with us...he just wants to see her once a month to be sexual. It shouldn't be that big of a deal...but ....

He has also started the "You should think about finding a lover" drumbeat again. He thinks if I get reinvolved that I will remember how you can be crazy for your partner and still enjoy being sexual with others. He is probably right on that, but that thought just opens up a can of worms for me. I have enough trouble keeping up with this relationship...I don't have the time or energy for another. I am a lousy secondary anyway. I am hyper involved in my own life, my main relationship meets my needs, and I don't have a lot of energy to be there for someone else. I could do it if I was single. My secondary is school, which starts in five weeks.

There is more to write about on all this, but I am bringing myself down. I refuse to let poly or poly issues dominate my psyche. It just isn't healthy. I am going to take things one step at a time. The next thing will the be meeting with her. I will try to be open that maybe his being sexual with her again won't cause the trauma to us/me that it once did.

Or maybe he will come to his senses. I still hold out hope.