Boring Naval Gazing

I don't really know where this post is going. I just know I feel like I need to write. I realized blogger had been holding on to all my false starts. Here is one:

From 7/6 ( a bit dramatic, I must have just come in from wandering the Moors...)

It's been sort of a rough ride lately, and I found myself wending along the downward spirals into a sort of funk. Nothing major, just the vicissitudes life. The result seemed to be me caught in a paralysis and unable to take command of much in my life. I looked around at the inanimate things that seemed to grow around me--dishes in the sink, clothes piles on the floor, and of course papers around my desk. I could just stare at it and feel that sense of being overwhelmed....where to start, what to do...better to just take a nap.

Of this from 7/8

I can't tell you how many times in the last two weeks I have tried to post something here. I write, then delete, then write, then delete...I have been a little more active on LJ lately, so maybe I am just not good at dividing myself blogwise. I seem to write here if something is troubling me or I want to feel uncensored. I write there more about amusing things happening in my life or to connect with my "friends" over there, many of whom I know in RL.

School has started, and I already have things due this coming week, and I have not even cracked a book. Tonight I go into triage. Unit 1 was a light introduction, I have actually read most of it...so I can easily finish that. Unit 2 has massive reading, Unit 3 (which starts this week) looks lighter...So I plan to finish Unit 1 tonight, download and print everything for Unit 2 & 3, and try to get as much of that done between now and Thursday night. I don't think I can make plans next weekend...because I may really need the time to get caught up and start Unit 4. I need to have things mostly caught up by the following week, because we are going to Starwood...and there is no way to study there at all.


I started writing about a fun wedding I went to on 07/07/07. It was a bellydance/SCA wedding and there were lots of cool people to hang out with.

Life has been clicking along just fine...except under everything is just a feeling of...I don't know...Sadness? Depression? A sense of fear? Worry?

I have been trying to peel the onion for awhile now. Thursday I had a horrid experience in dance class. We were forced to break into small groups and perform, and I totally fucked up. It was awful. I didn't stop, I kept going, and had a smile on my face...but it was embarrassing, and my confidence took a huge hit. I let myself down, and I felt like I let down my group. It was a stupid class exercise, not a world competition or anything. And every performer fucks up at some point...yada yada. But I took in the humiliation, immersed myself in it, and went to a very dark place. I reacted completely out of proportion emotionally to the incident.

I am sure the pressure from this new class is not helping either. At this level of school, the professor wants us to teach ourselves, and she will provide support. But unlike my last hell class, I don't have a clue in this one. The technology we are studying was not even known about when I was in grad school. And I have never worked anywhere that did this type of testing. And it's summer. The last think I want to be doing is studying boring cochlear hair cell anatomy. bleh.

My relationship is good, but my heart still hurts from some issues that came up a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to write about that right now. I have tried...but writing in this case, dredges up old feelings on things that need to settle...not get stirred up more.

I had a nice dinner with an old friend last night. We had cilantro pesto, chianti, and chatted long into the evening by her pool. I talked, but it was really nice to listen to someone else's story. I can get so far in my own head sometimes. It's not always a good thing.

So nothing is really wrong, but I am out of sorts. I don't like my apparent paralysis at the moment. I can't get much of anything done. But I must. I have to study my ass of this weekend.

And that's all she wrote.