Homework for Swan

That's way too much to cover in a comment, so I am making this a whole post. Feel free to walk on by, if you are not Swan. And no, I didn't find any of this rude. Thanks for your interest.

1) Why the break with this person in the past?

This has a long complicated answer, but here are the Cliff notes. My partner and I were long distance for the first five years of our relationship. We considered ourselves "open" for the first two years...because feelings were still developing...and we were 500 miles away. Neither of us thought, really that we were going to be a long term couple. However, the tie between us was strong, and after awhile, we knew we really had something. He introduced the idea of poly a couple of years in, which horrified me. I had dated plenty, didn't care for it (dating is about as high on my fun list as "job interview"), and I was ready to settle into a nice long term monogamous relationship. He had only been in long term monogamous relationships, and wondered if monogamy just wound up killing everything juicy in your life, including your relationship. We agreed to try poly, but it was hugely painful for me, and not something I really wanted.

Our agreements were not very clear, the topic was painful, and we were brand new to poly and radical honesty...Let's just say, mistakes were made. I do think part of the issues with this person were that she was just caught in the turbulent waters of a couple trying to figure out poly. It was not a happy time.

Regardless, I was never very thrilled with this particular choice of partner. They were a poor match IMO. As I said, nearly all they seemed to have in common was as astrological sign. I could never "get" what the attraction was, and I was not at a point where I could handle him being involved with someone that I didn't "get". Contrast that to partners of later years where I did like the women, respected them, and could understand why my partner would be attracted. There were a few lovers whom I would not have picked for him, but....well, I was okay with him being involved as long as no one expected us to be a package deal, which they didn't:)

His early strategy was to pick people that I wouldn't feel threatened by...but that backfired. I just couldn't understand why he would get involved certain people. Was it just so he could say he was a practicing poly?? Were these relationships just based on sex? (Something I was very judgmental of at the time). Now, I don't think they were based only on sex, but I was grasping at straws trying to understand why this poly thing was so important to him...and why he would want to continue on a journey that was clearly just fraught with pain for us (me).

I did much better when I actually liked the person. This is still true. I don't think I could manage if he picked someone that I didn't like. Fortunately that issue has not come up in many years.

When he was initially involved with this person (we are talking 98/99) that relationship was putting so much strain on our relationship, that I finally...asked him to end the sexual part of their relationship. This was very upsetting to the woman...but my partner told me that he was actually relieved, and had been thinking that perhaps that relationship had run it's course, and he was looking for a way out. I don't think he was just saying this, I believe it was true.

They remained "friends" and went to dinner, but then there was a long time of no communication/contact...and I don't remember why. Maybe she moved out of town, maybe she started a monogamous relationship....But by the time I moved here...the other person was gone. Maybe after a year or two of us living together, she reappeared, and they started going out as friends.

Things in my poly journey, my life, and our relationship were in a different place. Had he asked me about them getting involved sexually, I would have said..."I am not wild about the idea, but if you feel you want to do that, I will adjust and probably be okay." As it was, things just didn't go that direction, and once again time/life other interests separated them. They just stopped calling each other. The last time they were together, it was an unfulfilling experience for him. I don't think I played a significant role in them drifting apart. There just isn't enough there to sustain them long term. That was probably 2002 or 2003.

Then nothing till she contacted him a couple of weeks ago. I don't think I will know how I feel till things progress more, if they do. She has surely grown up a bit. She was in her early twenties when they got involved initially. I was not thrilled about my 40 year old boyfriend dating someone who hadn't even graduated from college yet. She is in her early 30s now, and presumably a bit more mature as a person. I know I am.

If they get involved, the three of us will need to get together and talk. I would know more then...but I don't have any reason to block anything if they want to get involved. Their involvement wouldn't throw me, although, I would prefer it doesn't happen.

2) Who initiated the break then and how did the two of you feel about that?

When they drifted apart, I was relieved. My partner felt there wasn't much there anymore, and there were other people higher up on his list of who he wanted to spend his free time with.

3) Does he know/understand how you feel about this person?

Yes.

4) Why does it feel like the communication around this is so stiff/stilted?

I think he doesn't think there is much to discuss. When she called, he was attracted to the idea of catching up with an old friend. I was fine with that too. Since nothing else has happened beyond that, there isn't much to say. I don't anticipate any major flair up on my end, but I still would rather he not get sexually involved with her.

5) Does she know how you feel/felt, and how does she react to that?

She knows some of it. I think she would like us all to be friends, and that they would have my blessing and encouragement if they get involved again. She is schooled in the theory of poly, and I truly don't think she means me or my relationship any harm. She just isn't someone I would hang out with willingly, and I would rather he use his poly currency with another.

6) What would be a good/better/best outcome from this situation?

I really don't care it they get together once in awhile for dinner. My best outcome would be they do that, or drift apart. If they do get involved, then I hope that it doesn't cause problems for us. I am committed to being honest with myself and him. I will tell him how I feel, and if there are issues that come up that are really "my stuff", then I agree to look at those issues, and work on them. My partner would try to help me with what I needed whether it was just to listen to my feelings, or not doing an activity with her that I wouldn't like...like if I really wanted to see a particular movie with him, then he wouldn't see it first with her...etc.


7) What would be a bad/worse/worst outcome from this situation?

The worst, I guess, is that she comes into his life, starts to manipulate my partner away from me, or deliberately tried to cause problems. Or that he falls in love with her, and wants to leave me to be primaries with her. These outcomes are extremely unlikely, and I am not worried about the worst happening. The more likely negative outcome, is that she as a person, or her presence in his life will be an irritant to me. This seems somewhat likely, but I am willing to give it a try if this is something he really wants to pursue. He hasn't made a decision, and I don't know for sure that she wants to be reinvolved sexually either. She just may be turning to him as a friend from long ago, that she likes to talk with and misses, oh, and who is a fellow Pisces.

So it all may be a tempest in a tea cup, or it could be the Universe giving me a chance to clear karma or have AFGO (another fucking growth opportunity). Who knows? I just want to be kept in the loop. I think he should have told me right away when he heard from her again...but to him, it wasn't a big deal. She wanted to talk, and he would let me know when they were meeting again. He may also be avoiding the topic, because the situation does tend to bring out sarcasm on my end, which is not particularly helpful, and I am trying to work on that too. The girl just gives me so much damn ammunition...