Out of Sorts

I had a lovely weekend. So lovely. We went to a neighboring city for a get away. Went out on the town. Stayed in the hotel room. Socialized with other people, had couple time. And it was over all too soon. And each mile of the drive home, I found myself feeling more and more... sad...

It's not uncommon to feel this way as a vacation ends. You are leaving a time dedicated to fun and relaxation to come back to your regular life in which you have to get up in the morning, go to work, and come home to dishes in the sink. And man are there dishes in my sink...

I am not sure what all is going on. But I do know this...I feel really unanchored right now. My anchor was my horrid class, and now it's gone. It was a bad relationship, and like any codependent...I miss it now that it's gone. I mean, I don't miss the stress and pressure...but I miss the focus. Or in relationship terms, I don't miss the possessiveness or abuse, but I miss the great sex.

Normally, by week two out of a class, I would be getting deeper into the next one. By now, I would be starting Unit 2, getting a feel for the new instructor and my classmates. I might have had a quiz or a mini essay due by now. The old class would sort of be forgotten as the next one demanded more and more of my attention. And off I'd go.

Now I am just in a malaise. I am obsessing over the unknown grade. I got the raw test score, on Friday, and it looks like maybe a D, but with a curve it could go to a C, or possibly a B. My classmate wrote back happy that she got more than half right. I did too, but not "more" enough to feel like I am in the clear. So I am constantly running numbers in my head. My score/90 = x/1oo. Solve for x. There should be at least a 15 point curve, that would give me.....Then I run it with a 10 point curve, and an 18 point curve. In short, I am driving myself nuts. My partner sees this. "You are obsessing. Stop it." "I know!", I say, but I can't. Probably tomorrow, I will start looking online for my grade, several times a day, for the next two weeks until it appears. Like a crazy person.

This sucks...because I have a twelve week break, and so far, I am not enjoying it. I have a lot I need to get going on. Like TAXES. And getting spring and summer clothes out of storage. Getting control of our kitchen. Getting the cats brushed. Scouring our tub. Nothing really major...just life. It's not even like there is any terrible task to dread, just the monotony of day to day. Carry Water. Chop Wood.

So I find myself wanting to fill this emptiness with something exciting. I started reading a book about a woman who is dressing like a man, and I am intrigued by her. This person is doing a sociological experiment, she is not a transsexual. It was to write this book looking at gender differences and similarities, but there she is on the cover as both a woman and her male alter ego. I think back to Ivan on the first season of the L word. And I go to sleep wondering what it would be like to be with a drag king. Maybe I need a new lover!

But that is fantasy. The reality is that a new lover would not make things better, but worse. I don't need another distraction. This is a time for me to really focus on tending my own garden. And the fact that I am avoiding it tells me that something is going on that I should look at. I will figure it out. Soon I hope. I am probably in suspended animation until I know my fate gradewise. I can deal with the known, come to terms with it if necessary, and move on. It's the unknown that is hard to handle.