Update

I'm sure there are going to be many of these...things are getting interesting over here.

Last night, my partner and I went out for dinner and a movie. I was feeling kind of sad. Part of it was that a sea monkey creature in my care was dying. Sea monkeys, and my recent interest in them are for another entry, but suffice it to say, you can get attached to them, and feel badly if one dies. I had tried to isolate it, and ordered sea monkey medicine (yes there is such a thing!), but the shipment had not arrived, and I could tell this little one was probably going to die while we were out. (It did.) I wasn't sure about all of my sadness, but probably a part of it was all the intensive poly writing, dredging, and worry about what may be around the corner.

The more we walked, the more the feelings settled around the recent reappearance of my partner's ex poly friend. I asked if he had talked to her. Yes, he had, as a matter of fact. They had a 15 minute phone call last night while he was driving home. Hmmm!

I felt a flurry of feelings come up. Why am I only hearing about this topic when I ask?! He seems to be operating on a new system of radical honesty. The "if she asks, I will tell" variety. He did tell me (after some lapse of time) that she had reappeared. Then nothing. Now twice, I have asked, have you heard from her? And I get a positive answer. I feel irritated, annoyed, upset, angry, and disappointed....all to some mildish degree. It won't help the situation if I start yelling "Why aren't you telling me these things?", and chastise him for not doing just that. That will make him shrink back into his clamshell, slam the lid, and leave me on the outside with no information, and no sweetie.

We are walking, and drop the conversation till we get settled into our booth at the restaurant. He is clearly unhappy, and still silent. "Are we going to have to get into all this right now???", he asks. I say, no, if he doesn't want to talk about it now, we can shelve it, but obviously we needed to discuss it later.

To my way of thinking, just TELL me what the conversation was about, and then we can move on! He was thinking that bringing this unpleasant topic up, would ruin our date, leaving us with bad feelings that we couldn't get by. I felt that if we could talk about it, then I would have some information, and I could stop my run away imagination from creating all sorts of tortuous scenarios.

I was really making an effort to be calm and reasonable. He felt like I was forcing him to talk about something he didn't want to. The more he didn't tell me things, the more my feelings ratcheted up into both righteous indignation, and concern that this must have been one hell of a phone conversation.

We were both quiet for some time, him staring at the silverware and me at my hand. I was wracking my brain to switch to some other topic, but everything I thought of was something else touchy....I will say, I also felt more and more upset with the woman for coming back through the door, and upsetting our stable lives. Fuck Her Anyhow! I think. I don't fucking need this shit. Bad choice of words...he evidently is contemplating just that.

He must have decided that our date was ruined at this point, and that withholding information was only going to make it worse. So he tells me, that she called him in response to him writing her an email. She evidently is interested in being sexual. (of course) And that she wondered how I was feeling. I asked him what he told her. He told her I seemed to be okay with it all, but that I wasn't interested in setting up a formal meeting with her, that I would rather see her at some public event we might all happen to be at.

Wow. Exactly wrong. What I had said, was that it sounded like we would be running in to her at some event (and this was before the reunion date where they discussed getting involved again). I further said I did not want to be locked into a dinner, but that I would be willing to meet for coffee (or very strong scotch). Now I fear I am going to be ambushed at some social outing. I clarified that this was incorrect and reiterated that I was willing to meet with them over a drink. I expressed how displeased I would be if she just showed up at some function she knew I would be at. If it happens by chance, that is one thing, but if he invited her, I would be angry. He said he would never set something like that up behind my back.

He told me she is very concerned with my feelings. (because she is just that sort of caring kind person...) I hate her, I think to myself.

I asked how he was feeling about being sexual with her. (the million dollar question) I didn't get a definate yay or nay on that, but he is clearly thinking about it. He then expresses concern over how deep she would want the relationship to be versus him, and how could he get out of it if it wasn't where he wanted to be? I say that when someone is thinking of exit strategies before they even get involved, that that should tell him something, and he might want to look at that.

Maybe this is what bothers me about this person. They don't have great conversation. They don't have much in common. But they want to have sex. This is not exactly the kind of poly I signed on for. I don't want him to have a torrid love affair either. I am okay with a deep friendship that turns sexual, which is what he has with the secondary he is seeing tonight. I want to like the person he is involved with, and feel safe because he is with someone I trust.

I wouldn't trust this person with my deep secrets, should I trust her with my lover? I need to be able to trust him, but concealing important information is not going to work for me. In fairness to him, he just wanted to have a nice date last night. I don't know why he didn't tell me Thursday night after the phone call happened. He should have. I know that love develops over time, and people are frequently sexual before love comes....but this feels like fuck buddy poly. She would be a tertiary relationship, based mostly on getting together and having sex. I don't like that. Fine if you are single...fine if you are into that sort of poly. But I am not. Maybe I am a prude, and not a true poly....but I don't want to be sitting at home while he is out having a mostly sexual affair.

Why not? In some ways, this should be easier to handle...a casual involvement that won't go anywhere. I don't have to worry about him falling in love, or her threating my position in his life...but I don't like it. I wonder if now that he is in his fifties, that it would be good for his self esteem to be with a 33 year old. I am 41, and not girlish anymore. Maybe his male ego needs that uncertain, innocent girlish energy that will look up to an older man with adoring eyes. Am I being a bitch for not wanting to let him have that? But........I don't want to share with a silly twit, which is my impression of her. Do I have to?

Poly is more important to my partner. I am very cat like. I zero in on one person, and I am happy. I am also independent, and can appear aloof. I tend toward introversion, and get my needs met by books, learning, music, and dance. My parter is more dog like...happy, friendly, eager to meet people and socialize. He likes relationships and is drawn to them, thus a great candidate for poly.

When he first brought up poly I was was afraid that he would be out with all sorts of people, while I would be at home consoling myself with pints of Mocha Almond Fudge. He really has had relatively few poly relationships. It hasn't been bad. And he is good at making me feel cared about and loved. I have made a few attempts at poly, but it doesn't come naturally. I feel divided and scattered. I really am fulfilled by my primary relationship. I like having the freedom to explore if something came my way...but I don't seek it out. He doesn't either, really, but because he is open...things come his way more often than for me. And he doesn't take every offer that comes his way. And if I told him, I just couldn't handle something, he wouldn't go there. At least he hasn't so far.

So, tonight, he will head out the door for a date with his second girlfriend. He needs to tell his secondary about the new person, and gauge her feelings. I am sure it won't be a problem for her. I wonder if he will tell her more about it than I have gotten. Argh! They say poly can be just great...when it works...but I often feel like I get the sucky end of poly which is dealing with my jealousy and possessiveness, while he gets the fun end of poly. It's not fair and it's not balanced, but it is what it is...