Poly from the Past

So my 41st birthday was two weeks ago. The day after, my partner comes to me, and says, "I need to tell you some things." When a conversation starts that way, it can't be good news. If it was happy news he would have told me already, right??? "I didn't want to bring this up", he continues, "because yesterday was your birthday". My insides turn gushy...my mind starts a new mantra that goes something like this ohshitohshitohshitohshit...And, I make another assumption about those sentences, that the topic will probably be poly related. Because, really, not much else has thrown me for a loop in our relationship. But Poly? That bitch has thrown me for a loop. He already has one other girlfriend, I think, now what?....or who?....

My inner accountant starts to redocument the current imbalance in our poly lives. Him 1, Me 0. I remind myself, I need to focus on myself and school. I do not need, nor want another lover...then I wonder about the veracity of those statements. But, really, I think they are true.

Anyhow, to the business at hand. How bad could this be? I mean we are stable, and at the point a new person should not throw us off course. One thing I am sure of though, is that I don't want to ride the emotional roller coaster that a new poly connection can cause.

So, I sit down, secretly dig my nails into my skin, and calmly listen to what he has to say.

He tells me that, last week, an old girlfriend resurfaced, and not just any girlfriend--but the only person I have ever asked him to stop seeing. Great, just fucking great...I think. "How did she get in contact with you?", I ask, as some time (years) have passed since their last contact. And this is the funny part..."Through My Space" he says.

My Space! I am a blogger. I pour my essence into posts, and make "friends" with others who do the same. I got my partner started on a blog, but he posts less frequently than we have a blue moon, and he doesn't read mine at all. We have had more than one PMS conversation where he asks me what is wrong, and I reply "You'd know if you ever read my journal!" But I digress.

For some reason, my non blogging sweetie who has teased me for years about LJ, suddenly got into My Space. It started because he is in a band, and bands connect on My Space, and that's how they advertise their gigs, and let people get a taste of their original stuff...I get it, but I already got sucked into Tribe, which was a big waste of time, IMO, and I just don't want to get into another whole big cyber activity. So, I am like, the last person not only in my social circle, but probably my city, and possibly the nation, not to be on My Space. And now My Space has given me another reason not to like it. It has brought her back into the picture.

I listen as he tells me, he really isn't sure what to think about her. It's been so long yadda yadda. And well, he is interested in dinner, but probably not much else. He doesn't think he wants to reopen all that, but they share an astrological sign (this seems to be the only thing they have in common as far as I can see, and it drives me crazy...Since when is being the same astrological sign enough to build a relationship on? I mean really! Explain this to me!) So anyhow, he is meeting her for dinner Thursday, and how do I feel about that?

I check in with myself. A lot of what I feel really, seems like old stuff. I don't have a current feeling. I mean, this news doesn't make me happy....but it also doesn't upset me. And...I find the "meeting an ex-lover for dinner" thing to be a lot less nerve wracking than the "I just met a new hawtie, and man is she hawt!" thing.

I find the next day, though, that I am having a lot of feelings surface. Nothing major, but I want to talk to him. I tell him, that I don't really have anything against this person now. I think she was just part of our unfortunate early poly experimental relationship. And there is still a lot of pain in how we became poly, which she was tied up in. That story is for a different entry, and probably not a public entry. But anyhow, I think a lot of my hostility towards her had less to do with who she was, then that she was in his life at one very painful time. I really am in a different place right now.

I also did not understand why he was attracted to this person, nor why she was worth injecting all that misery into our otherwise happy relationship. So, the other day, I told him, I was having issues, but that it seemed like "old" stuff I could work out. I told him some of my current (light) concerns if he did choose to be sexual with her again, but that it was his choice.

So they went out to dinner last week. I was occupied with a dance class that evening, and then went out to have some belated birthday drinks with some friends. I got home at 11. My heart fluttered when I saw the dark house. That meant he was having over a 5 hour date. When I got in and confirmed that I was indeed, alone in the house, I did feel some of that poly heat one sometimes feels when their lover is out with another. I really didn't think that he was being sexual. I think he would want to run that by me first. But a 5 hour date, meant it was going well enough that he wanted to spend that much time with her. Sigh.

So I went to my computer, and within half an hour he was home. He told me about the date. They had a good time, it was good to see her. After the restaurant they went to a park, and they sat on a picnic table for a long time talking. She leaned into him and they kissed. They talked about where things would go from there, and neither of them were sure they wanted to get back into a relationship. They left it by not making another date, but agreeing they would see each other again, at some undetermined point.

I would rather have heard..."I saw her, and it was good to see her, but I don't want to "go there" again." But at least it wasn't, "we couldn't keep our hands off each other!" He did say, that it made him think that one didn't necessarily need to get into a sexual relationship just because one could. Yes, I think...duh! I have a list of could of but glad I didn'ts. But I am a different person. I am cautious about intimacy, and would rather not get into something, if the experience isn't going to be high enough on a quality scale. Others just enjoy experiences for what they are. My sweetie tends towards the latter.

So I don't know where this is going. Even though, I don't particularly care for this person, she is relatively benign. (I think.) I am not getting involved with her, but that doesn't mean he won't want to.

I haven't heard much about this since last Thursday. He is at his computer right now. Hey, I say...have you heard from ______? "Yes," he tells me. She wrote him and asked if they could get together and talk about poly. She would like to run some things by him. I put great effort into suppressing an eye roll. Uh huh, I say. And how do you feel about that? "Oh, I am fine with talking to her," he says. I don' t say..."Really! And when were you planning on telling me about this?" No, I was good, and just said a non committal oh.

And that's where we are. I am gathering grist for the blog. All must be documented and blogged. He went off to the kitchen to practice for a gig. And probably to check My Space.

And that's where we are.