Recovery

I have been so racked for the last three months over the Hell class that I can't even believe that it is finally over. I wrote one of my classmates that I was worried I was going to have a permanent case of PTSD from three months with the toughest professor in our program. The class demanded just about everything I had. I am not a high energy person anyway. When I come home from work I just want to be a major slacker. It's quite hard to put in a full day at work, and then come home and study for several more hours. As the class became more demanding, I had to start dropping the things that mattered in my life: dance classes, working out, Weight Watchers, reading anything that wasn't an assigned journal article or text, XBoxing, meeting friends, doing (dance) gigs...It became all about The Class. No sorry, I have to study. No, I can't I have to work on my paper. Sorry, no, you know I have this class." I do feel like I went into a deep dark cave for three months. And now that I am emerging, I need to find out who I am again.

What I feel now, is, yes-- relief that It is over (assuming I did pass...which is very much an assumption at this point, many do not pass), but I don't have lingering PTSD...I feel more like I have left a bad relationship. I left "someone" who demanded that I give up the things that were important to me, the things that nourished my spirit. I left someone for whom I spent all my time worrying about the relationship, giving everything I had and wondering if it was enough or appreciated. I gave so much, and got so little in return. At first, I was turned on by what I was learning (but don't all bad relationships have a honeymoon period?), but then it just became a gauntlet of trying to get everything done. It became stressful more and more of the time.

Anyhow, now that the relationship is "over", I feel a little shell shocked, but ready to put my life back together again. I am reaching out to make dinner dates with friends, making plans to reemerge into a semblance of social life.

Like most bad relationships, it affected me physically as well. I have fallen into some unhealthy habits the past few months. I need to start forcing myself to go to the gym. I need to start meditating again, and doing Yoga. Those are all things that would have helped my stress level but I just didn't have the time or energy. Now I don't have an excuse. I don't know how much weight I gained, but I am quite sure I wouldn't have made it through without Stewart's Black Cherry soda. I should probably make an appointment with the dentist as well. Sigh.

For now, I just want to watch some mindless stupid tv show with absolutely no intellectual value. Hey is the Bachelor on tonight?? Perfect. I am going to rot my brain now.