Mirror Truthiness

Tonight I had a moment of mirror truth. I have been "good" so far...or as WW would want me to say "making appropriate food choices this week". I know I have lost a few pounds. (I'll find out officially on Saturday.) But tonight was the intermediate dance class, and I was biggest woman there. This was no surprise. We have a few other women who are plus size, but most of them are normal sized with nice flatish bellies. I am used to being taller and bigger, but tonight I looked way out of proportion, especially comparing my body to others. It's not a sin to have a belly in belly dance, but I can't stand being this much bigger than everybody else. It didn't help that I felt really out of it on the moves. I sat out the last eight week session of that class over the holidays, so I missed the new stuff they did. I was playing fake it all night.

Even though I feel depressed and down on my self, this is actually good. When I look in the mirror and I feel like I look okay, I am not as motivated to keep up with the program. Tonight was negative reinforcement to keep going. To make it worse, my break off belly dance troupe has a real honest to goodness gig with a local middle eastern band the end of January. I am nervous about the gig, and nervous about how I will look. I am resisting the urge to fast for a few days. Crashing off 5 pounds isn't going to help me look much better and it will sink my metabolism.

I want to keep writing about how much being fat sucks, so as I start to lose weight and feel better, I have something to remind me of the way things were. I am sure I have more to dredge, but I am also trying to get to bed at a decent time. So off the computer I go and soon to bed.