January 1

And a Monday to boot. I wonder if that doubles the pressure somehow.

I was still feeling under the weather last night, and was up for a more quiet evening. Had I felt better I would have wanted to go to the wild musician party in a warehouse somewhere near the wrong side of the tracks. As it was, we elected to go to the local Tantra community party. The Tantra people were into non alcoholic beverages, drumming, and dancing. In other words...pretty tame.

We did a Puja which included a very cool meditation called Tantra Nedra. I had done a much more mild version called Yoga Nedra before, in which you relax your physical body into a sleep state, but keep your mind awake and you plant something that you would like to manifest in your life. Tantra Nedra was similar but relaxed the body, then raised sexual energy to give more "punch" to your manifestation. All I can say is Wow. It was very amazing, and I felt sensations in my body that have been missing for awhile.

It was an odd evening. One couple we are friends with was in the midst of Poly Hell. Again. Poly can be so great, and it can totally suck. I am glad that my partner and I have been off that roller coaster for some time now, and really I pray things stay at an even keel. My heart went out to the female, who is clearly in the most pain right now. In talking to both of them, it sounds like communication is the root of the problem. She says "he is thinking of becoming primaries with someone else". He says that is not the case at all. Whew. I hope they can work it out.

There was also someone there who I have felt a deep connection with, who is now just divorced. I felt his loneliness and desire. There were so many things unspoken between us. He knows I am in a poly relationship, and yet I think he is afraid to ask me out for fear of being rejected.

And I am totally afraid for him to ask me out. I had decided to opt out of my poly rights for awhile. Why is up for debate. The surface reason has to do with school. I really don't have any extra time in my schedule to add in another relationship. And I am a lower energy person anyhow. My main relationship keeps me quite busy, and fulfilled. I have always wondered if introverts (like me) are less in need of poly than extroverts because we need solitude and quiet to recharge. Extroverts who gain energy from being with others seems to be better at poly. It's just a theory...

The deeper reason may have to do with fear of intimacy. I have tended to be really picky about whom I share intimacy with. When it feels right, it is easy, but often I have forced myself to be poly and enter into secondary type relationships for not good reasons...maybe a subconscious desire to keep parity with my partner. Or to explore deepening friendships only to find that was what they were to begin with, friendship, and sex didn't really need to be a part of that or particularly add that much. I seek simplicity in my life, and poly brings complication. It really hasn't been a good trade off...what I have gained was mostly overshadowed by what was lost.

I don't really feel I am that "good" at poly, and I have been content to bury myself in my own life...be it school or a good novel. I don't think I want to go forward with anything right now, even with this really nice guy I like and actually feel a connection with. I tell myself to try and stay open, because deeper relationships foster personal growth...but, man. I have grown a lot in the past few years, I am enjoying the peace in my life.

We made it home by 2am, and I plunged back into the Twilight Zone marathon on the Sci fi channel. Today has really been a pleasant day. I am beginning to feel better and have started to pick up the threads of my life I let drop when I was sick.

It feels like it just might be a good year...