Backsliding

I am so totally frustrated. It started with the PMS stuff that hit last Friday. I just didn't feel good, the headaches were starting, and I could feel my body holding water. I think I am still holding water, which means I may not have a loss this week. Losing 12 pounds in 3 weeks is great, but I think my body is ready to revolt. I have been hungrier this week and really stressed about school and work. Tonight I just gave in and got a cheese Quesedilla for dinner and now I am eating jelly bellys. (On the plus side, I did pass on the 24oz beer I was planning on, and I am drinking vile diet wild cherry Pepsi--a truly awful but calorie free concoction.)

The other thing that sent me over the edge was really screwing up on a quiz last night. I am in a very hard grad level class with the most intimidating brain I have ever come across as a student. I am being severely challenged and it's triggering all my "I don't know what the hell I am doing. I am just a big faker" issues. We have weekly 12 point quizzes. Last night was the third one. The first two, I fought for and got 11/12 on each. Last night, I did terrible...7/12. That comes out to a D. Now I have no room to screw up down the road, and I will be playing some serious catch up. I had an A in the class until last night.

I have been obsessing about this all day and now all night. I feel like I didn't do well because the answers weren't really in our reading. It was beyond the reading...like possibly if you understood the concepts you could extrapolate the answers. A couple of the questions I totally guessed, and three of them I thought I understood. Wrong. Now my confidence is shot and I am scared I won't make it through the whole damn class.

I talked to another student who did well on the quiz. She purchased on optional book that has really helped her. I was resentful at the near $300 I already had to pay for the books that were required, so I did NOT get the optional book. After this quiz, I found a copy at Amazon and paid the extra $10 to get it here by Friday.

I plan on spending the entire weekend throwing myself into this class and studying for next weeks quiz. Maybe I can get myself back up to the 11-12 range. (Note how school totally skews your values. Fuck Global Warming. Fuck this stupid war. fuck fuck FUCK it all.)

The other failure today was letting myself medicate with food. But somehow...just for today, I feel okay about it. If I want to have a loss on Saturday...I will need to be on track tomorrow and Friday. I need to exercise and stay within reason food wise. I think I will do that. Otherwise I will be in danger of this whole health program unraveling. It won't take three weeks to eat myself back 12 pounds, if I really want to sabotage. I could do that too.

Alright. I feel better now. not much, but better. I can save this school thing. I can get back on the dieting track. I can do it.