And the bus stops here.
So I knew things were getting bad. Over Christmas, for the first time I noticed a double chin like thing going on with my reflection in the mirror. Egads. I could pull the extra skin back, and look normal...but when I released my finger, the extra chin was back. Oh no! How could I let anyone take a holiday picture of me looking like this? How could I be nonchalant with my hand at the side of my neck, a finger under my chin all night long?
Sometime over the past weekend I stepped on my home scale which has been known not to be totally accurate, but was usually within three pounds of what I weighed at Weight Watchers. It has not, to my knowledge, been off by something crazy like 40 pounds. So you can imagine my near heart attack when it said 243. 247? 249???? NO FUCKING WAY! Oh my god. What?
I immediately went into denial mode. This must have been water weight from my period which had just started? I couldn't be that heavy. I tell you I have this reverse anorexic thing, that I look in the mirror most of the time, and I think I look okay. Not thin, but certainly not like FAT. Not like, say Wynonna, or Anna Nicole at her worst.
I decided not worry about it till January 1. So I weighed first thing Monday morning, naked, and after peeing...and it was 244. And then after a day of sane (but not dieting exactly) eating I was down to 242. Which is still a fucking nightmare, but being closer to 240 was way better than being near 250.
I really hate the idea of paying people to help me lose weight, but I just can't do it on my own. I need to be accountable to someone. So spur of the moment tonight, I decided to rejoin Weight Watcher's. I was in jeans and a bulky sweater, and did not pee before I weighed in, so the verdict was 245.8. And when I got home on my scale I was 248 (within three pounds).
Obviously, I really need to lose weight here. I am supremely unhappy, especially when I dance. And let's not be so shallow. Being this heavy..okay FAT, will negatively impact my overall health. It's just not cool to be this way. Increased chance of all sorts of mean nasty things...
So I don't know if I can do it. I usually can follow a program for a few months at most. By then I will have dieted back down to my comfort zone. I look and feel better, and I am good and tired of counting points and denying myself Indian food. And then I go right back up, usually higher than ever before. 245 is my highest ever recorded weight. Major major suckage.
I think it helps me to write. So maybe with the pressure off and me just being a nobody from nowhere, who could live in Peoria, Madison, or Pleasantville for that matter, I can at least confront myself and be honest about how I got here and what to do about it.
And just maybe I can make it. Or maybe I will fail miserably but accept myself as is...
It's going to be tough with this hell class coming up. It will be tempting to stress eat, or "feel sorry for myself" eat. I need to have some vice, and it certainly can't be shopping. It is going to take me awhile to deal with the credit card damage from my last bout of shopping therapy and the holidaze...
whatever...maybe I can channel my misery in to exercise somehow. yeah right.
It's not good to be this discouraged at the beginning of something new.
Other update: the poly couple of the last post or two is now getting hand fasted. my head is spinning with the sudden change of events around here.
2 comments:
OK. I know this kind of life change can be huge. And intimidating. And scary.
And I know that facing the prospect of needing to do this for a wide variety of reasons (however we define them or valence them) is daunting.
If it is any kind of support or reassurance or affirmation at all, I can tell you that I was almost exactly where you are now, 4-1/2 years ago when I arrived here to begin my life with Master and T. For me, the big change was that I was joining my life to a family and a household where the others were dealing with type II diabetes. It meant that I needed to completely change long-term eating patterns that weren't healthy for me. Even though I don't have diabetes, I began eating as if I did. We all eat and cook and shop together, and as time went on, I began to lose weight. Today, I weigh about 90 pounds less than I did when I first came to be here. It wasn't easy, but it has changed my life for the better, and I am healthier and happier than I ever was before.
It isn't about diet and deprivation. It is about learning something new. It takes time and dedication and intelligence. One more thing to learn. If I could learn how to cook and eat and shop like a diabetic, I am betting you can do this too...
I am pulling for you. Feel free to write to me if you like. I've got more info on this stuff than you could stand.
All the best.
swan
Oh wow. thank you. I appreciate being able to tap you for information and motivation. Congratulations on your loss. 90 pounds! Awesome! Maybe I can do it too!
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